My second child and first son came into the world on March 19th of 1989. It was Palm Sunday. I remember my focal point during my natural, drug free delivery, was an EZ Scrub box by the sink in the room. We joked about naming him EZ Scrub. We named him Raymond Charles instead. I think that was a good decision.
After Ray, I gave birth to 3 more sons. I lost 2 babies along that route. Yesterday, I lost my precious child Ray. I don’t even know how to process this.
When I got the call that I had to go and that something happened to him, I knew he was dead. Immediately, I felt a panic but then this wave of numbness came over me. I cannot explain it but to say it just took all emotion from me in every way.
I was not crying, angry, panicked, sad or anything else. I was totally calm and quiet even saying I could go alone thanks to this pandemic and we would not have to take the younger boys. That feeling stayed with me, in fact I apologized to the medical personnel for how I felt and asked them why. They explained I was in shock and denial.
After several hours I went back home with my son Michael. I hugged him during the ride. I told him, he could not leave me. He promised me he would not. I expressed my disbelief. I did not get to see my son last night. The trauma he experienced would be too much for me to bear they told me. They said I did not want to remember him like that. However due to this Covid-19Ā thing, we had been distancing, and so in a way, I felt it was not real.
I did not eat dinner and did not want anything, I took a shower and went to lie down in bed. My young sons were with us and grieving in their own way. My youngest Luke slept with my husband and I. His small body nestled between us until he fell asleep, and then my husband took that space and held me. I did not sleep at all.
I laid there in a state of disbelief. I wished over and over that I would wake up. About 2 weeks prior, I had a dream that both of my older sons died. It was so real, when I woke up, I was so relieved. It was a dream. I called them and told them, I needed to hear their voices. Now, I need this so badly to be a dream.
This is not the way it is supposed to go. He was a child that was like me in so many ways. Our laugh, the way we would get so hysterical we could hardly breath,Ā he had the cutest laugh that you could not help but love. Now, I am trying so hard to remember it, thinking if I have it on any video, worrying I am forgetting it. Just today our youngest reminded me of something I had forgotten. How could I forget these things when memories of my son are all I have left?
I used to spend so much time thinking of what song we would dance to at his wedding. Now, that will never happen. I will never see him as a husband or a father. All those dreams died with him. I want this to be a dream. I want everything to be alright, I want to wake up. Why did this have to happen?
The feeling in my stomach is so empty and sick. I feel that life has changed in such a way, I will not be able to go on. I make my living being out there. I make my living on social media and talking about life, true crime, crafts, recipes and my family. Now, I don’t even know how I would ever do that again. If I don’t, how will our family survive?
How can I let their world unravel even more because I cannot do what I need to do to provide what I do for our family? At the same time. I feel bad that I even am thinking about this, but it is the harsh reality that the world does not stop when your child dies. Every day life goes on, and people have needs that need to be met.
Ray going to prom when I put his baby brother (2-weeks-old) in his arms.
I bought a book 13 years ago. It was called Roses in December. It is about a mother who lost 3 sons. I don’t know exactly why I bought it, but at the time, I had just given birth to my son Ethan. I was so scared as this book came into my field of vision in the book aisle. At the time, going through postpartum depression, I was afraid it was a premonition. One of the sons this author lost was named Ethan and it freaked me out. I told my husband about it when I arrived home and he assured me that was not the case.
Last night when I found out my son was gone, I wanted to go outside. The moon was full, I called his name, I begged for a sign. I needed to know he was here. I did not see one. The only thing I can say was remotely a sign, is that when I was speaking to family last night and dealing with medical personnel, a song was playing in the background. The lyrics, Heaven must be missing an angel, an angel child because they are here with me tonight. I felt those lyrics were telling me Ray was with me.
All day today I have been begging for a sign. I tried to sit outside and brave the pesky May bugs. I asked for a sign, the breeze picked up and the cardinal was singing his song so incredibly loud. I had to sit in my car in the driveway because the bugs were too much, I stared into the woods, in the direction of the cardinal and asked my son for a sign. I told him to give me a smack me in the face kind of sign. I had to know he was okay, I had to know he was here.
As I sat in the car, I thought of that book and went inside to find it. Even with prayers to St. Anthony, I could not, so I bought it for my Kindle on Amazon. As I sat there and read it, I could not believe that this book was all about what I was going through. I could not believe it. As I read her words, I sobbed loudly, she validated so much of what I was feeling.
Last night, as I layed in bed, I was freezing, It was caused by emotion and not temperature, no amount of blankets would remedy it. I was shivering and felt this kind of tingling in my body. At one point, I pleaded with my son to move that tingling to the back of my shoulders if he was here with me, It did go in that direction.
In a way, I did not want to fall asleep because I felt I would wake up and think everything was okay only to relieve it again. I felt such a numbness, but then in small waves the harsh reality would go in and a memory or other trigger would sweep over and I would say and know my son was dead. I would feel panicky and like I wanted to rip my own skin off to escape it. Then when I felt I could not deal with it, another wave of the totally numbness came over me.
I would go in the bathroom and keep repeating, “Ray is dead, Ray is dead, how can this be?” I called my friend in London who experienced the tremendous loss of her family this week last year. I spoke with her, at that point I was in a numb phase. The numb phase made me feel horrible too in a way. There were many other horrible thoughts that my mind went to. We torture ourselves.
I am feeling now I am going to lose everyone, even my own life. Everything I feel, I fear it is something catastrophic and because of the pandemic will be found too late. I fear that all my children and my husband will be taken and then I will die alone. I have these awful thoughts.
Back to the book, I just kept reading and sobbing. I called my older son, I fear so much losing him, I make him promise me he will be safe, drive safe, not do anything stupid due to the hurt he is feeling. Those two boys were so close, so close. He is going through unbelievable pain. I want to gather us all and go in a bubble. My daughter is coming in from NYC but because of the pandemic, we cannot even grieve this loss the way we want.
I cannot put my son in the ground, I cannot leave him there. We never talked about this because a mother is not supposed to bury her child. However in speaking with my husband and older children they feel it is the right thing and my son wants a special necklace to always have his brother with him. I want one too. I want him with me. I just cannot leave him.
I have moments of intense anger, I curse at God, I tell people that there is no God. I know that is not what I really believe, but at the time I feel it. I clench my fists, I cry out. How could his life be over like this, how? The cruelest thing is that my father died May 7th of 2006, my mother died May 8th of 2005 and now my son died on May 6th of 2020. My mother died on Mother’s Day and these dates are always around that time and add such hurt to the sorrow. I don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day this year.
I am thankful for the unbelievable amount of support I have received from our community on YouTube, the Ramblers are a blessing during this time. Yet, I am afraid it will be too much for them in the long run. No one wants to be around that mother who lost her child. No one wants to be around her because she is a reminder of their worst fear realized. So, in a way it is so bittersweet.
I do read the messages and sob. It is the same way I read that book and sob, and why I just purchased another book The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies? Will I just buy these books and resonate and cry with them? I don’t know, I just don’t know. The biggest problem before I found out my son died was trying to firm up a deal on a much needed car. Now, that is on the back burner, and we jumped our van in order to make it down to town to meet with everyone yesterday.
I just want to get in my van and go for a drive and yet I cannot, I want to run away but I can’t. I do not want to be a member of this new club. I used to hear these things the way many of you are now, I used to thank God for the blessing of having all my children alive and well. I used to say a prayer for those lost. I thought that I would not be a member of that club even though I did worry about it. This has shattered everything for me, it not only made me a member in that club but it made me think of all the other terrible things that I may not be so lucky to escape. I am so afraid of losing everything even myself.
(I apologize for any errors, I wrote this as my thought process flowed, I cannot go over it because it hurts too much to proofread it. I just had to get this down.)
I am so very sorry for the loss you and your family feel at this time. I pray in time the feelings of loss may be replaced with nothing but wonderful memories of the time you were gifted together. Life is a gift, but I know you already know that truth. May your family and your friends embrace one another in such a difficult time as this and know that people that may not know you and your family directly will pray for you all to find comfort and peace.
We are all sad and in shock and most of all here for you Carolyn. I can’t imagine your pain and shock. Just wanted to say you are loved and needed by many and I have no doubt he is with you. We carry them in our minds and hearts forever.
Carolyne I am so so sorry for your loss I lost my 38 year old son 3 years ago in October.I received a phone call like you and every emotion you are feeling is normal never question how you feel! Let these emotions run through you never apologize for them! My deepest condolences to you and your family during this difficult time ! You are in my heart and prayers š
I cant say I know how you feel. All I can say is Iām praying for you and your family. We prayed a Memorare to the blessed virgin for your son and family. God Bless You, The Morelli Family.
Carolyne, this had to be written because it was a therapeutic session with yourself. Even though it might seem so so hard to get through this, we will understand if you need time and space to go back to youtube Live. Take all the time you need to go back to youtube. ALWAYS remember your son Ray in his happy moments. And now you have an extra angel looking out for your safety alongside your daughter and husband and two youngest sons. All together you have three special angels in Heaven looking out for your safety alongside your family. Those three special angels are your Mom, Dad and now your son Ray. God will give you strength through this tragedy, I pray that God will give you strength.
Stay Strong Carolyne.
My deepest condolences from; Mariaās KittyKats
No words are sufficient at a time like this. You are loved, Carolyn. Praying for you.
Carolyn, God understands! He loves you and your son! He gave His Only Son for us that we might have Eternal Life with Him. He is Our Great Hope! He understands your intense feelings! I would never have got through the time after the love of my life died at 38 without God. I would feel a sinking feeling like I was physically going into the ground. I would call my sister and say pray for me now! He lifted me when I felt at my lowest! He will lift you! He will be there for you! I will too! People love you! We love you as much or more than before and want to help you!
Oh mommy Carolyn, I wish I had words, but I’m at a loss. I could not sleep last night, thinking about you, and your family. As a momma myself to 3 boys, I CANNOT even begin to imagine what you are going through. Please just know we are here. We love you. We will be here when you are ready.
I have no words that can make your hurt any less, saying “im sorry”..”I’m praying” feel insignificant and empty. Both are true- and there is no playbook on properly dealing with grief. I am holding you in my heart now, and in the days to come.
I am praying for God to send your strength, peace, and eventually understanding. I know that must seem impossible right now but I believe it will happen. I am a Mom of 4 myself and I canāt even imagine what you must be feeling but somewhere within you do have the strength to bare this and you will help others in some way. I only know you through your videos but I can tell youāre a wonderful woman and in time will be an inspiration to all moms who lose a child. Thatās just the kind of woman you are. Much love.
So so sorry for your loss mommy.
Mine and my families prayers are with you and big huggs and kisses from Australia
Carolyn, you don’t know me at all. I am a 34 year old woman who follows you on youtube. Your story is sooo heart breaking to me. We lost my older brother almost 4 years ago when we he was 33. My young babies ages 4 & 2 were with me when I found my brother gone. They are now 7 & 5. He was my only sibling and we were very close. My kids were very close to him and my youngest has been in counseling since age 3 due to separation anxiety and my husband or me going to heaven with Umcle Matt. He started kindergarten this past year 1 week after he turned 5 & spent the first 4 months counseling with the school counselor & regular counselor & now this pandemic. My parents are in horrible shape mentally & physically, so they live with us so I can help care for them. Four months after my brother passed my mom lost her right leg & mentally has never been the same. I pray for you, your husband, your children…but mostly you, because momma’s just take the brunt of it all for everyone. You are beautiful inside & out & have & do help soooo many more people than you will ever fully know. Your boy, Ray, is with you. There will be signs as time goes on & you are stronger than you know. My love in Him, Cara
ššš»ššš»
This is so truly shocking, If I could only take a faction of your pain away I would , u will find away within to yourself to get through these heartbreaking times , I send you strength and love x
When my beloved father to whom I cared for for several years passed away on my birthday I knew the sun would never shine again. He was a father, a good father-not one of my sons or daughter. Still , a chunk was taken but thru watching endless videos and reading about death from hospice nurses and nedāers
I realized there stories had commonality. Someone that couldnāt take listening to me cry for days into weeks into months said to me ā did you ever think that he was needed somewhere else?ā I thought āwhat?ā I did get several signs from him in many different ways. After the shock, pain, depression, facing a new norm, I choose to not think of him as gone because he was so much for so many years-how can he just be gone-they never leave us, ever, they are in a better place doing good things, they know we miss them and love them and I believe they stay with us in spirit. I couldnāt even look at a photo or listen to people when they said, āremember the good timesā I donāt want to REMEMBER ā how can u possibly think of them gone? Because your son the arms of God, with the angels, (too many testimonials all over the world) so he is just elsewhere-his spirts lives on. You will see signs when you stop looking for them-then a light will go on and you know he is with you. He wants you to smile and not to be sad. May God give you the strength to see the sun shine again. Itās been 4 years and itās like it was yesterday for me and he was my father. I was afraid I would forget his laugh, his jokes-him but he is fresher than ever because he is in my heart. If only I had 5 more minutes with him-I would cut my pinky off I would say, just to see him and tell him I love him and how great he was! But, they knew how much we loved them, and they know. Your son knows. You will see him again. He is not gone forever. I canāt say the right things to help you through. I wish I could. You have to find your peace in your own time. I will pray for your family.
I offer you all my love and prayers. I cannot imagine the pain. I will have some Masses said for him and you all. Greatest respect and love,
Sara
Oh my goodness, Carolyn, my heart is breaking for you and your family. I so desperately wish we could do something to help all of you through these most difficult times. Your words resonate so strongly withIn me. I see the photographs of your beautiful son and family and I pray to God to give all of you comfort and strength. And, Carolyn, I will never leave you. Youāve changed me for the better. I want to be there for you.
Carolyn, all day I have struggled to leave the right message for you on all the you tube channels. At this point I will simply say I love you and whatever you may need I am here. But most of all I love you.
Carolyn, all day I have struggled to leave the right message for you on all the you tube channels. At this point I will simply say I love you and whatever you may need I am here. But most of all I love you.
Dear Carolyn, I been subscribed
to your channel for a while now.
I have always admired your sense of truth, empathy, sarcastic wit and love of family!
I canāt imagine what a nightmare
this is for you. I am so sorry, I will pray for you. Jimmy and the rest of your great family will see
you through. Life isnāt fair, God
Bless you and all your family.
Sincerest condolences, Maureen
Gunn
Carolyn. I’ve never lost a child born onto this earth. All though we were touch and go just last summer. I made one million deals with God. As I listened to the machines beep and do what they all do. I tried to breath my breaths in sync with the ventilator. I don’t know which one he accepted but it was one of them. All I kept saying was please don’t make me my Mom. I needed so bad to talk to her, which of course can’t happen. She passed away in 05. I needed his father, cant happen either, he passed in 08. I needed my Dad who passed in 90, At that moment I felt so alone, but I was not at all. I knew I was not. I have a husband, 2 other kids and my grands. I only felt it, but it felt so real.
I sat back through the night watching the machines. When I remember what my Mom said to me.
Those first weeks, I could not see him in my mind. I could not remember anything about him. His hair, smile, smell, voice. It was all gone. I would look at pictures and think, when was this taken? All of it was gone. Until the day I said NO. You took him from me his mother, because you needed him more. You will not take me from the rest of my family, who need me as much as I need them. She said the curtain lifted and she grieved for the very first time. Not the sadness she had felt or the anger, telling god he’s greedy, none of that. She said she stopped looking for the answer to WHY? That was not coming. When a feeling of warmth came into her, and suddenly he was there. She could remember everything about him. Her sole had healed, her strength and courage to move forward was found.
You too will find it when you are ready to find it within you. Allow your self to grieve how you need. Talk about your son as much as you need. Take as much time as you need. Most important talk to your son, he will hear you. There is no right or wrong way.
For me personally I talked to a bereavement counselor when we lost my brother. From little into adults we remained close, still sharing the same friends. That was one of the best decisions I had made for me. I refused to allow myself to feel, the pain hurt to much. I gather from us losing one of our closest friends at age 12, yet to make it worse we saw him die before our eyes.
Just allow for what you need, its ok to be a little greedy.
Prayers up for you and you family at this very difficult time in your lives.
We’re here for you when you’re ready, whenever that is and in whatever form. Take your time. Grieve in your way. Reach out for help when you need it. Know that you are loved.
Thank you for sharing Ray with us.
I’m praying for you, your family, and your precious Ray.
I’m sobbing reading this. I live in the next town over from you, and follow you on YouTube. I feel I have gotten to know you and your family and ny heart is breaking. Why? Why did this have to happen? As a mother myself, I try to fathom the pain, you are feeling for just a moment, and it strickens me. I feel sick, therefore, I can’t even imagine your pain. The cardinal you saw, that was your son. Cardinals are a sign of our loved ones that have passed on visiting us. In time, you will come back to doing what you love. For now, take care of yourself and your family. We will be here.
Xxx
I have been thinking of you all day and praying for your strength. No words can or will bring you comfort or ease but please know and truly I believe this, your son Ray is with you helping you to try and process. My condolences to you and your family Ms. Carolyn. As others I wish I could take this pain away….
Carolyn, Iām so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son. My son, also was born on March 19, 1986. You will never lose your friends , family, or your you tube ramblers. They will all still be by your side, supporting you all the way. You yourself have helped countless mothers ,wives, sisters ,brothers etc. accept and deal with their terrible losses. So never be afraid of anyone not wanting to be friends with you because you belong to this terrible club. The people who love you will never waver. This In fact will probably be quite the opposite, they will become closer to you. My heart, along with thousands of people from around the world, is crushed for you and you beautiful family. Take one minute at a time. Do the things you need to do for yourself. At this time thatās all you can expect from yourself. Take care and remember, the love we all have for you. My prayers will be to our Blessed MotherMary. Herself a mother who lost her son.
Love to you ,
Peggy Willis ššā¤ļøā¤ļø
Carolyn, I am so so sorry. It is an unspeakable tragedy and I am praying for you and your family and sending healing energies to you. There simply are no words that can help right now. We can hold space for you though and be here with you in spirit.
Carolyn
Please know that more than anything we want to embrace that mother who lost her child. You. We want to ease your pain and comfort you when you’re scared, and when you’re feeling those moments of complete calmness, embrace it. That’s your precious Ethan letting you know that he is okay. He’s with you and he loves you. He’ll always be with you.
My love and prayers are with you. Words can’t express how sorry I am for your terrible loss. Please be gentle with yourself, and take your time deciding how to move forward. You have many of us who will come along beside you and hold you up when you can’t stand on your own. I’m so sorry this has happened. May God comfort and keep you and your family.
Oh sweet Carolyn, I dont have words to help, I feel heartbroken for you and your family! Iam so sorry for your loss! Been praying for you all day! May God bless and hold you up! šššššš
I am very sorry for your massive loss!! I have seen a few of your Live Streams!! I am sending you and your beautiful family my Deepest Condolences!! God Bless all of You!!!
Let us be there for you now. I hope you and your family feel the surge of warmth and love, and prayers being said for you. You have an incredible following because you are such an amazing person.
Carolyn, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Your son was 20 days older than me. I wish I could’ve got to know him and be his friend. His mom sure is a good friend. May he rest in peace in heaven and may you have some comfort knowing you will see him again. Those are such sweet photos of you two, you’re a great mom and it shows I can tell by watching your videos. May your son rest in peace and the rest of your family love each other and hold each other tight.
Dear Carolyn,
I am sorry for this unbelievable sudden loss of your son, Ray. I wish I could run to you and hold you and take this pain from you. I know I cannot. You are my friend and I’m hurting for you and your family. I have always felt so blessed to have you as an online friend and always hoped we would meet one day. Please know I am thinking of you my sweet friend. Take your time. Do what YOU need to do and try to take care of YOU! I know that sounds hard right now. Praying for your angel.
Love you,
Jayne
When my oldest son died suddenly at 22 in 2002 I thought life was over as well. Your writings about how your feeling in this first raw
day have brought back my memory of the first few days after Matt died. I think you are experiencing it in the exact way you are supposed to..in your way! I also remember crying so much that I thought I would die from my greif, which I thought at the time was exactly what I wanted. I kept asking my own mother how we were ever going to move forward all I thought about was that I was wos going to forget the sound of his voice.i might forget his laugh that how horrible it would be to live do many years from that moment that I would forget him his memories would fade and my grandchildren would never know him…on and on I asked my mom about these things and then she said to me..Toni even if it’s 50 or 100 years from now before you get to heaven..it will only be a minute from now when you see Matt again,because in Heaven there is no time and no bodies. We will all look and sound the same to each other,so stop worrying and get on with living because he is in our hearts Candi our memories for all time. These words have helped me get through the last 17 years ..and through the death of my parents now but when that pain starts to bubble up I hear mom’s voice saying “it will only be a minute” and somehow someway I feel a little better. One day at a time Carolyn just one day at a time.
I feel I have to write something through my tears. I am so grieved for you. I have felt every single thing you wrote, but differently. I didn’t lose Ray. I lost Trevor. It’s not going to be easy and it does suck to become a member of that “club.” It’s a horrifying thing. The shock is a good thing and necessary for now. It’s how we float through this thing slowly but surely. I have not stopped praying for your Mother’s heart and I will continue as the Father urges me. Speaking of the Father, I spent a few months screaming my hatred for Him alone in my car. I never thought my faith would make it out alive and I also didn’t care if it did. It has though, and is much deeper and stronger than before. There is nothing anyone can say that would make this better for you. But know that there are people who feel your heart and know that agony. Try to rest and try to eat a few bites occasionally. And let people take care of you. Love you.
Carolyn….I wish I had some magic words to comfort you and to take your pain away, but I know there are none. You are living every mothers worst nightmare that we, as mothers, think about and hope & pray never happens. I am soooo very, very sorry this has happened. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling or how you’re coping. Please know that you have so many people/Ramblers that care about you and are praying for you and your family at this difficult and heart wrenching time. My sincere condolences to you & your family. God bless you all and may your son rest in heavenly peace. XOXO (Vegas Donna)
Dearest Carolyn,
I want you to know that he is with you and always will be. My sister is always just there…in my peripheral vision…justout of reach. I did not want to live when she died…I tried not to live. But the will to live is strong,as strong as love. I can’t say anymore. I can’t see anymore. I love you so much. Please let me know if there is any thing I can do for you. Your friend, Mona
Dearest Carolyn,
I want you to know that he is with you and always will be. My sister is always just there…in my peripheral vision…justout of reach. I did not want to live when she died…I tried not to live. But the will to live is strong,as strong as love. I can’t say anymore. I can’t see anymore. I love you so much. Please let me know if there is any thing I can do for you. Your friend, Mona
Carolyn, you have always been the Ramblers rock. It’s time we become your rock. We feel your pain, we cry and greive with you. We love you! It will be a long row to hoe but we will be here to help keep you strong just like you kept us strong. Prayers for you sweet Carolyn and Jimi and the children. Blessings
Carolyn, There are no words. Iām so very heartbroken for you and your family. I pray for your comfort and peace.
I only want to leave my condolence. There is nothing a single one of us can say that will ever help with the immense grief you are experiencing. I will just say that I am praying for you to find some way to live a life for your living children that will still hold some quality that allows you to go on without all of this pain you feel at this moment. I wish that we all could take a bit of your pain away and carry that for you. Lean on the people that love you and allow them to help you, even if itās only with a hug. Remember and feel that your son loves you so very much and hold tight to your faith and know that one day you will all be reunited eternally. I am so sorry, this should never happen to a mother. Deepest sympathy.
Thinking of you often with a heavy heart.
So sorry for your pain & loss. Praying that God will ease your sorrow & that you will continue to have the signs from your angel, son. Bless you and your family. We (ramblers) miss you and will wait for your return. take as much time as you need. Sending prayers & hugs
Carolyn,Jimmy & beautiful family, I am so terribly saddened by your loss,my prayers &thoughts are with you all at this unbelievable time in your lives. It will take time,lots of time to grieve and get back to some sort of reality, but you Carolyn are a very strong woman & have helped so many others. Love & peacešš¼šš¼ā¤ļøā¤ļøšš¼šš¼
I am so very sorry for your loss. I cried as I read this. I lost my youngest son at the age of 4 to cancer. My surviving son is now 21. I can relate to your feelings. I’m so scared he will be taken from me & I don’t think I could ever survive it again. My heart just breaks for you. I will continue to keep you & your family in my prayers.
I’m so sorry and wish I could take your pain away. I am in the same club as you and have been for 13 years after I lost my 5 year old daughter. When she was first born I had this feeling that something was going to happen to me but never about her. She was my second born. My first born is my son. I than went on to have 8 miscarriages and a stillborn daughter that I also had to bury. I am still so confused and question God and my faith as how can any one person have to go through this much pain. Everyone grieves different and it’s so hard to keep going. Just take baby steps minute by minute. I’m so sorry you have to go through this or any mother. No mother should ever have to bury their child. I’m not the same person and never will be since that day of losing my 5 year old. My family also has allot of deaths in May and we would rather just skip that month every year cause it’s so scary.
All my love to you sweet Carolyn. You and Jimi have not left my mind since I heard about your loss. You write so well, and I feel like I can understand the rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts that are going through you.
I hope you can feel the power of the prayers and the warmth of the love that is streaming to you from the beautiful community you attracted just by being you. I hope we will get a chance to be a part of your healing process (when you are ready) as there is so much love for you, I hope you feel and believe that ā„
Love
Ylfa
My heart hurts with you, Carolyn. As a Rambler, you will never know the amount of comfort you have given many, without even knowing it.
I became a member of this āclubā of losing a child at the age of 20. My firstborn son died at 3 days old of an unsuspected heart defect (HLHS). That was 41 years ago.
I wish I could say the pain goes away. It doesnāt. But instead it becomes a part of you and Ray will live in your heart forever, helping you navigate day by day until the day you meet again.
We are ALL here for you. Please do not hesitate to reach out whenever you need.
My prayers remain with you all.ā¤ļøšš¼šæ (Louisiana Lady).
Carolyn, you have touched so many hearts with your late night video visits. There are no words, only prayers of strength and peace for you and your family. Loving and heartfelt condolences, Carlaā¤ļø
Carolyn I have had a broken heart for you and your family all day. I cried
this morning until I had a headache
which always happens when I cry. I have found at least a couple of things in a book I have I will try to do tomorrow.
I just hate bothering you with all this.
I truly need Lisa D email and phone
number as bad as I hate to ask you to mail them to me per her permission.
That will help me greatly Thank you
Love and light to you and family and
as hard as it is to believe we have guardian angels around us at all times
and honestly as hard as it is to believe
they were with your son for comfort. I
love you Carolyn
Carolyn,
I sit here sobbing after reading this. Looking at the beautiful pictures you so graciously shared with us. Ray was an absolutely beautiful chubby baby and adorable curly headed toddler and very handsome teen and young man. I see you in his face. He was so blessed to have you as his mom. I don’t have any words of wisdom or even comfort. I wish I did. I believe he will show you he’s ok and with your parents. That Cardinal was a sign. I consider you a friend Carolyn and have been praying since last night and will pray for you everyday. You will be in my daily prayers from now on. You have my email address. Please let me know if I can do anything for you or if you need an ear or shoulder, any hour of the day or night. We won’t leave you, we are your community and we DO want to be there for you no matter what. Don’t let that be a worry. Have faith in our support. We won’t forsake you. Rest in peace beautiful Ray. š
I am in such a state of shock. I can’t imagine what what you must be going through. I am speak less. You and you family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish that knowing other people are mourning with you, for you, and thinking of you, praying for you…I wish that knowing that could somehow lighten the darkness that has fallen on your life. I know it cannot. I am so so so sorry…such hollow, empty, useless words…but they are true. I am glad you are expressing your feelings, as confused or numb as they may be. It will eventually help you find your way through this horrible time. I’m so sorry, Carolyn.
Carolyn, May 8, 2007 is the day we lost our Matthew. He was 13. Heās now been gone as long as he was alive. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him.
I will pray for you and your family, especially while Iām at the cemetery today. My love to you all.
May God bring you and your family comfort. I completely understand your feelings, I could not bury my son and leave him either, I said I would be in jail on a regular basis for sleeping in the graveyard next to him. He is at his sister’s home. After 3 years I still have yet to be able to see his urn. The pain is real, and so is God. Believe me when I say, lean on him. Much love.
My heart, and prayers go out to you. I am a member of that horrible club. On Sept 9, 2006, I got the call. My beautiful, smart, loving girl, my only daughter of 4 kids, Misty.. Was gone. The person I was that day died with her. In between the numbness, and absolute panic, all I could hear in my head, was my own voice screaming NO! Afraid to sleep, afraid to wake up, I don’t remember if I ate, or showered, or even if it mattered… All these things you are feeling are horrible, yet normal given the gravity of loss. The pain does not go away, but you learn how to live with it. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s true. You will find your strength, and in times of sorrow, Ray will BE your strength. We go on because we have to. It’s not our time yet. Your children still need their mother. Your husband needs his wife. You need your family, as they need you. The road ahead is a tough one. But you will get through this. You will get to know and understand the new you that comes out of this, and you will find peace again. What helped me through, was sticking like glue to my family, (I’m still a glue sticker), and allowing myself to feel, or not feel, when ever I had a choice. Misty came to me after, in dreams. I knew then, she was Ok now, and waiting for me on the other side. I feel her around me, and I talk to her regularly, (Yes, I yelled at her for leaving me) and she is my strength, my Guardian Angel. I miss her every day, some are harder than others. But I also know she is with me here, and when it’s my time to go, I’ll take her hand and go with her. Untill then, I hug my Grandbabies, and tell them stories about their Aunty Misty. I hug my sons and glad for every. single. day. we have together. Love never dies. Love, and strength to you Carolyn, and God Bless.
Oh no, I am so so sorry for Your loss. Lately, I do not check my email box frequently but today, when I open it and see Your post. I am shocked, and sad when I read it. I cry and do not know what to say now. I wish I could do or say something better to relieve Your pain.
May God protect You to overcome this challenging time ā¤ļø
I am one of your first subscribers, yet you don’t know me because I do not participate in chat. I am devastated. I think of your perfect family daily, and I think this news cuts me to the core because it brings you back down from your pedestal. Oh, Carolyn. I think so highly of you. I am broken, here in Ventura, California for you… and I have no idea what happened, yet. But it doesn’t matter. Ouch. Shit. Ouch. I am going to speak up in future chats, and not be invisible. I am so unbelievably sad and praying for you and Jimmy and the other kids. Holy shit, I thought your dog passing away was more than we could handle… xxooxxoo
So very sorry about your son passing! Itās so awful especially now before Mothers Day! Our family is sending you love and prayers and light! May God bless you all and surround you with healing and peace! It will take a long time to process but know he will always be with you and around your family!
Carolyn all of us ramblers love you and are lifting you and your family up in peace, love, and prayers. I love that Ray showed you the sign of peace with a cardinal. Grieve, cry, scream, talk or journal ….anything you do to honor, remember and memorialize your precious Ray is right for you. You have to walk right through grief in waves of emotions that no mother should have to bare. I will be praying for you with a motherās grieving heart that also Has a son in Heaven. Love you mommy
I believe your words will comfort a lot of people who are experiencing loss right now. It’s difficult to put feelings into words when there is such an emptiness. I’m hoping your pain will go away soon and you get the support you need.
Carolyn, I am so sad about your son’s passing. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I have the same fears and only have 1 child. I will be thinking of you and praying for peace for you and your family.
Carolyn, I keep typing and deleting – typing and deleting…. I want to write something that could possibly help you with this and I realize that there are no magical words that can help ease this pain. I thought about you and your family so much all day today — I am so, so very sorry. I will keep you in my heart, thoughts and prayers. If there is anything at all I can do, I am there – just let me know. Please take care of yourself and know we all love you
I follow you on you tube my name is happygolucky person on there. I wasn’t always a happygolucky person. I got the dreaded call 15 years ago, my 14 year old son might be hurt. Hit by a car while riding his bicycle. But they were wrong, he wasn’t hurt he was dead. I’ve been been the same nor will I ever be. I’ve always believed in God the Father, Jesus His son and went to church. I lost my faith. I thought I would never make it where my happy funny handsome boy Taylor. I nearly didn’t many times. I have a daughter and two granddaughters and one grandson and I know God kept me here for them. Just this year I’ve started to love living. I’m a different me and that’s ok. I’ll never be carefree again. My user name happygolucky is what I want to be. I’m coming back to life knowing that Taylor will be with me again on the new Earth with our Father. I’m so sorry that you’re part of this club nobody wants in to. You’re in my prayers.
Carolyn, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just want you to know I am holding you and your family up in prayer, for peace and protection. I pray God holds you extra tight. You are loved.
Dearest Carolyn, Please read your message from me on your personal Facebook page. It will help a tiny bit, if anything can at this point, but you need to read it. Love you, Janet
I’m so very sorry and sad for your loss. I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain. Just know I am praying for you, and I’m here when you are ready to share again. Love and hugs, Peggy K.
Caroline and Jimi you are in my prayers ,blessings to you and your family at this time but above all I send my love. You have become a part of my daily life, I watch you at lunch time here in Western Australia and I love being a Rambler. Lot and lots of prayers to you and your family.ā¤ā¤ā¤ššš
Losing a child seem so wrong, it’s supposed to be the other way around, right? I wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn’t. It does change, however, eventually. And we remember our loss and bring them with us into the future, we just make room for grief. Before I lost my daughter I was thankful to have her now I’m thankful that I had her for a time. We aren’t promised tomorrow and I know she is just on the other side. When we lose those closest to us is when we realize how precious life is and in a New York minute it could be gone. I listened to lots of music, listened to stories of other mothers who lost children. I think my favorite song was “If you came back from heaven” by Lorrie Morgan a book I still have yet to read is Only Spring: On Mourning the Death of My Son by Gordon Livingston. We will all be there for you, when you decide to come back, take as much time as you need. Will remember you in my prayers. So sorry for your loss. May God keep your and comfort you in this time of loss and be with your family.
I found you in the middle of the night after going from one drama channel to another, getting sick of the foolishness. You see I lost my husband and couldnāt sleep so I surfed YouTube to take my mine off of things. Itās almost been 3 years since I lost him, it was sudden but he had Addisons since he was 18, then developed type 1 diabetes. So I came across you, so caring , understanding and helpful I subscribed. I then joined patreon but had to drop out for financial reasons, but I stayed. I know in my case family and friends were of course helpful at first, then as time passes their world goes on, and mine never has. I still have breakdowns, I scream and no sound comes out. I keep dropping his name into conversations, like he would do this or he said that, and they just look at me like get over it. I called my daughter after a year had gone by breaking down, she said mom itās been a year now.So I want you to know you are needed by people like me and your kids need you to teach them everyone is important and unforgettable. It was awhile back you were taking suggestions for groups in Slack. I tried to suggest a group for people that was dealing with grief, but the chat goes by so fast .lol So thanks Carolyn Iām so sorry for your dear son, and remember he wouldnāt want you to quit doing what you love. Pat
Carolyn, you do not know me, I have watched you on YT without commenting for quite some time, I just would like to say how very sorry I am for your loss, such heartbreak. Will be thinking of you and your family during this sad time. Regards from Australia.
Carolyn…I simply canāt express my heartache and sorrow for you, Jimi and your family.
Your beautiful boy will always be with you. Always.
You were the first person who ever loved him, and you were the first person he ever loved. Death cannot take that pure & strong of a love away. Death cannot take something that never dies.
I long for words to help take away the horrific pain youāre in, yet I know there arenāt any. This is a nightmare come true.
While we may never understand why these things happen, I pray that God will somehow bring you comfort and provide you strength to help ease this excruciating pain. May he help guide you down this unimaginable path you now have to journey.
Thank you for sharing his beautiful photos and personality with us. His goodness is a true testament to you & Jimi. I hope you find peace in writing about him. You do whatever it is that you need to do to find any bit of comfort you possibly can. You will never, ever be a burden to all of us who love you.
You have always been there for us. Now we are here for you. The prayers and kindness youāve shown me will never be forgotten.
While itās so incredibly painful that Ray has left a space that can never possibly be filled, that infinitely empty space is actually a beautiful tribute to just how wonderful he was.
You will hold him in your arms again.
With all my love -Deanna
Oh my God, Carolyn! I am stunned and don’t even know what to say to you…I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child and know that no words can really comfort you and your family. My love and deepest condolences and prayers for you all.
I wish I had the words to help you and your family feel at peace but I don’t. Words dont seem enough anyhow. You have to take one day at a time, one step in front of the other, your son will always be with you, he is part of you, you will never forget, you will see him in your other children, your husband, it is very very early days but there will come a time when you can gather his memories and will be able to smile and feel happiness at these thoughts, rather than the pain, numbness and shock your feeling right now. I remember when grieving, desperately trying to google “how long will I feel this way”, “when will I feel better”, as if there would be a magic formula or time frame I had to go through before the pain would stop, unfortunately that’s not the case, but please take comfort in knowing (even though you may not want to at this time) that you and your family will get through this. Sending love and prayers to you and yours x
Carolyn (MRB)
I have no words to express my sadness for you. Maybe sometimes unspoken words are best. I have sat here and bawled for a hour thinking of your pain & I cant even imagine. I have 2 grown sons myself. I know we are here for a purpose & lessons. But my heart aches for you, you have been through SO much. If a could take just a sliver of your pain away I would. Dont hold anything in, let it all out. You have AMAZING support. May god & Angel’s wrap their wings around you & help you heal.
With love,
Sincerely
Jeni aka acebee
Carolyn, Jimi and Family…
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Pictures of your beautiful son Raymond and your family, stories and memories…
I wish I could carry all your pain; I can only imagine the pain that is reeling inside all of you right now… my prayers are with you all continually…
You are such an amazing beautiful Woman and Mother.
I will never grow tired or weary of being your friend or Rambler for losing someone so vital to your life… and I can boldly say that no other Ramber would grow weary of you. You have been and still are a deep source of love and inspiration to so many of us while the craziness of COVID-19 is reeking havoc on the world.
Now it’s our turn to be here for you.
Unfortunately, the greatest cost of life and love is pain. To open our hearts the tiniest bit to a tiny piece of love… the pain is so sharp and consuming when we’re temporarily severed from that love.
Raymond is gone from this realm… but I know he is staying close to you and all his loved ones. His life was deeply enriched by the love he shared with you and so many others. Your bond with him is not over… and it never will be, thank You, God. He doesn’t want you or anyone he loves to suffer.
You and your family are not alone. We are here for you… whether or not you ever work in social media… you have a community of support around you. If there’s anything any of us can do for you and your family… just ask, please.
The love and prayers are continuing… you and your family are deeply loved. The outpouring from everywhere is so beautiful and heart melting. I posted a request for prayer on my social media (completely keeping your names anonymous). There are people from around the world holding you and your precious family in prayer.
Please lean on His strength and our strength. We are all holding you in prayer.
Frances Rose
Aka.. Cupcake
ā¤šššš„°
Carolyn,
Recently (Mar 13, 2020), my husband and best friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly! I felt as if I got kicked by a huge mule, I drove to the hospital hoping my husband would survive; he never made it to the hospital and I was told he did not survive …. this happened at 10:30 am; the rest of the day, I was going through the motions as if I was watching myself outside my body; it has been over a month and a half and I still have trouble believing it is true. I have developed terrible panic attacks so bad I wake up in terror, frozen in place that all I can do is curl up in a little ball and wait for the feelings to subside. Often, it takes a day and now just the simple ringing of the phone will trigger the panic attacks as well as waking up with them ….my heart racing so hard it feels as if it will jump out of my body. Since I have no children and my family is in California, I spend most days upstairs in our bed hoping the nightmare will end or just pretend my husband is still downstairs in the family room. I, too, was impacted by the pandemic and so the funeral arrangements were perfunctory since gatherings in not permitted …. unfortunately this makes the loss seem even more surreal and imaginary. In fact, I have still not went to the funeral home to pick up the death certificates (and Phil, my husband) because then it will all be too real and I don’t believe I have the strength to endure the pain yet. My sense of time has been distorted; I have no sense of time or space any longer and it is odd that time now seems to be both quick and slow simultaneously. I have trouble sleeping and most evenings, I would listen to your YouTube sessions all the time until I would finally drop off to sleep. I have been lucky that even through my deep despair, I have felt Phil around me, understood the subtle signs from him as the electronics started going haywire as well as him coming to me in my dreams! The dreams were so very real that sometimes I would wake up upset with him because of something he would do in the dream (like walking away from me etc). My cats force me to go downstairs to at least feed them, change their water, and clean their litter boxes ….otherwise I have secluded myself upstairs since we have instituted stay-at-home orders in our state. Naturally, I am VERY PISSED OFF AT GOD and really don’t care to understand “his grace” right now with the huge gaping hole that has been left behind of my carcass as my heart feels as if it has been violently and unceremoniously ripped from my body but I am trying to get to a higher vibration level to hopefully hear and see the signs from my beloved husband from above so I continually repeat the Lord’s Prayer over and over again as if it is a mantra calling on my husband to come to me. I have been doing g this as a survival mechanism since I am now afraid to leave the house and/or go downstairs. Logically I know this will pass but IT WILL BE A PAIN FILLED process of the likes I will never have experienced before but I have to survive because Phil WOULD NOT WANT ME TO WITHER AWAY and he knew of my life long dream to go back to school to become a lawyer as my second profession (I retired about 2 1/2 years ago) because I still want to help others. I don’t know if I will be able to do it yet or if it will even materialize with the pandemic situation but I NEED TO HONOR MY HUSBAND’S MEMORY by continuing on with life with the exuberance and happiness that he had done as he lived his; for I KNOW ABSOLUTELY that Phil expects and demands me to not wither up on life; he knows I have more to do and others to help so eventually I will have to sum up my courage as I am crying my tears and make him proud of the person he fell in love with as well as believing I had more mountains to conquer in life in helping others.
I want to tell you, you ARE NOT ALONE! There are oodles and oodles of people praying for you and are willing to be there for you even just to listen to you vent (I actually do this by myself) …. I am here for you any time. Since I get very little sleep and am confined to the home, I have LOTS OF TIME AVAILABLE …. and while I am not a “club member” of losing a child, I AM a “club member” of losing my parents, a sister, now a husband. None of these “clubs” I would recommend by the way but unfortunately, in life, at some point, we become members!
Now I want to tell you about this organization called, “Thumbies”; it is a place that takes a loved ones fingerprints and or thumbprints and creates mementoes (charm, ring, bracelet, etc) so that you can have something of your loved one close to you! My friend luckily told me about this so that I could ask the funeral home to take my husband’s prints so I could order some items. You may want to do this for yourself and your family members …. I know, for me, this has given me a TINY solace that I will have my husband close to me always …. since I am an avid art collector and Phil and I are good friends with an incredible glass artist, I have asked her if I could commission an urn for us to make together for Phil (his ashes). She was honored that I asked but we have to wait until she gets the authorization for her to open up her gallery so she can start creating her art again. If you are considering cremation, you may want to do something similar in honor of your son. While you feel so alone and isolated even in crowds right now, please understand you are NOT, in fact, alone! I know how it feels in that while your world has bern ripped apart and time seems FROZEN STILL, the world still somehow still spins on it’s axis and time somehow still goes on! And I can stand there shouting to myself, “HOW CAN THIS BE? HOW? HOW CAN THE EARTH STILL BE SPINNING WHEN I FEEL AS IF MY WORLD HAS STOPPED AND I AM FROZEN IN TIME yet I can still see the “activity of life” surroundxme as if nothing has changed????!!!! And I just want to scream at the top of my lungs to “STOP!!!! HOW CAN THIS BE? HOW CAN THE WORLD STILL BE LIVING ALL AROUND ME WHEN MY LIFE FEELS AS IF IT HAS ENDED????”
Again, Carolyn; you ARE not alone and you have many, many, many people that care for you and that are willing to help you through this tragedy you must face ….. but you do NOT have to face it ALONE! We are here for you, ready and willing to do what you require or need from us …. all you have to do is reach out. We are here; ready. Willing. Able.
Hope this makes sense. Sincerely and Respectfully, Pia
Carolyn,
Recommend you check out an organization named, “Thumbies”. Once you collect fingerprint(s) and/or thumbprint(s) of your loved ones, you can have keepsakes made (ring, bracelet, pendant, etc) so you can have your loved ones close! This organization does this for human prints as well as animal prints! I am having one made of my husband’s thumbprint into a pendant so he will always be close to my heart.
You and your family are in my prayers. Sincerely and Respectfully, Pia
Carolyn, it will not be too much for us! We love you and need to be there for you, as much as you need us to be there. We will hold you up when you can’t stand. We will pray when you can’t pray. God knows you are angry, and He still thinks you are wonderful! Love you! xoxo
Carolyn, Mommy as i love to call you, please accept my deepest condolences, as my heart is crying with you.
You and your family are going through the worst of worst, and not being able to help you, makes me very sad.
I can only invite you to look at Michael Pearls YouTube channel which is called “The Door” where as a Bible teacher, he did a video called ” Does God choose when we die?” Bible Q&A. Maybe you will find some answers that will bring you peace with God. With much love and respect, Lƶni A. ā¤ā
Sending you all my love and all my strength ….my thoughts have been with you every moment yesterday and as I lay awake thinking of you my heart hurts for yours….please know you and Jimi are loved very muchā¤š
Dearest Carolyn,
I watched the video of you and your family when Jim fell down the stairs. Though it was scary, I have to say I got a kick out of it. I watched over and over and over. After viewing it so many times and becoming familiar with your youngsters voices, I feel like I know you all in a way… when my sister told me the what happened my heart broke . All evening I keep crying for you and Ray. I lit my candle and prayed for Ray, May he find his way. I prayed for your shattered heart, that it will be whole again and for your family. You will get through tragedy. You have a ton of people that tune in with you every night , they are grieving with you. .. I pray you find comfort Carolyn. Sending you big hugs and feeling your heavy heart all the way in Colorado! Peace with us all.
Kimberly
Dearest Carolyn,
I watched the video of you and your family when Jim fell down the stairs. Though it was scary, I have to say I got a kick out of it. I watched over and over and over. After viewing it so many times and becoming familiar with your youngsters voices, your laugh. I feel like I know you all in a wayā¦ when my sister told me the what happened my heart broke . All evening I kept crying for you and Your baby. I lit my candle and prayed for Ray, May he find his way. I prayed for your shattered heart, that it will be whole again and for your family. You will get through this tragedy. You have a ton of people that tune in with you every night , they are grieving with you. .. I pray you find comfort Carolyn. Sending you big hugs and feeling your heavy heart all the way in Colorado! Peace with us all.
Kimberly
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling. Please know you and your family will be in my prayers.
Carolyn, Jimmi and family
May Godās loving arms wrap you in love and comfort as you move through these days. No words are adequate but please know so very many are praying for you all.
Much love and deepest condolences
A friend ā„ļø
To Beautiful Carolyn, Jimmy and family.. for Beautiful Ray
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven’s love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this memory bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don’t waste a breath, don’t shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don’t wait for me
Above the universe you’ll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won’t forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family. You are such a beautiful person, I have been watching your channel for a while now. You have helped me so much when I am bedridden with an illness, you have made my days brighter. I wish I could take your pain away, my heart breaks for you. Prayers and loving thoughts from across the ocean in Australia
Oh sweet Carolyn. My heart cries not only for you, but with you and your family. I want you to know that I am sending you my heart felt condolences and lots of peace and love. I am truly sorry for your loss. I also want you to know that I know the numbness, darkness, and pain you are feeling. Its definitely not anything I would wish on my worst enemy for sure. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything.
Dear Carolyn, you will have your signs. As soon as he is able, he will show you. Just as this has been a shock to you, your dear son most assuredly is also shocked. It takes time to process. I am sure he did not expect to leave you, however it was, and so it takes time. I understand about buying all the books, I also did that with my own losses, sister, brothers, and parents. I don’t think I ever read a word. You will not ever get over this one, no time, nothing can fix it, however you will learn to cope. You are a beautiful, open and loving child. I want you to know I cry with your words, and wish there was something I could do for you. All I can do is stay with you and support the channel, and pray. You are loved.
I donāt even know what to say. I know that feeling of emptiness, disbelief, numbness, shock, panic, questioning everything… Repeat… I donāt wish for anyone to have to suffer with that. I am so so sorry you have lost one of your babies. I wish to God there was something I could do to help you and your family. My heart breaks for you. Know you are not alone, ok. We will be here for you. You are a wonderful mother and your family is gonna need you and you are going to need them to go on. Meanwhile, you and your family are in our thoughts. Iāll be on the other side of the streams listening to you. You have a great support system which should be of help. We love you š – āMargo81172ā on youtube
Dearest Carolyn,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are a woman of faith and I have heard you say you would pray for many. Now it is time for us to lift you up in prayer. Your son is with our heavenly father. You will see him again. You are a special person. You make me feel better when I am in pain and can’t sleep. Your voice is so soothing. You have touched so many lives and now we will lift you up in prayer and I am here for you at any time. God be with you and your sweet family. Scharla AKA Dreaming.
Dear Carolyn,
I’m praying your broken heart receives the sign from Ray it’s yearning for.
Rest in Paradise dear Ray
Darlene Batchelor
(Bella Luna)
So sorry…. I am praying for your family…You have many friends you donāt know though this internet world that care and feel like part of your family.. god bless stay strong itās what Ray would want..šš»ššš»š
I lost my brother a year ago in February. Losing a brother is a different loss then losing your child. When I look at my boys I donāt know what I would do without them. But the feeling you put into this post are the feelings I felt in the aftermath of my brothers death. The intense fear of falling asleep, to find peace in your sleep, and waking up to this harsh reality. No amount of words anyone can write will take that pain. But I hope you find the strength to feel this loss. To feel the pain and to mourn in whatever way you see fit. Your son will always guide you. I know these words mean nothing in this time, but my deepest sympathy is with you. This is a pain no mother should feel.
Mrs. Carolyn, I am so very sorry. I wish I had the words but no words will take your pain away even though I wish I couldš©
I am Praying so hard for you and your family. Losing a loved one during this time is so difficult I lost My father in March we still havenāt been able to lay him to rest. I can Not imagine it being my child, I know The pain has to be amplified š God bless yāall.
Hi Carolyn. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your beloved son. Iāve sent you a FB message. Please check your āotherā file on Facebook. Iāve lost a son as well. Iām here for you.
Carrie.
Carolyn, tears fill my eyes as I write this. I just want you to know that Iām thinking of you and your family at this very hard time. You are a very good hearted person , I donāt understand why this has to happen to good people. Please take care of yourself. Love Lisa.ā¤ļø
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Jimmi, and your children at this extremely difficult time. My heart breaks for your loss.
i am so deeply sorry for your loss my prayers,,condolences and thoughts are with you at this awful time. I am on youtube this is how i found out abput you precious first born son. Although i have lost 2 babies of mine to lose a child you have nurtured and raised for many many years i have not experienced myself, however my mother has with my 2 brothers, both horrifically, 1 via a tragic accident when he was 5 and the other via his own hand aged 30. She survived this purely because she knew they both would not want her to give up, they would want her to fight like the true warrior she was, and with alot of help by just having people there to listen to her helped enormously. I extend that listening ear and friendship to you and hope if you ever feel the need to speak to someone new that you will remember me , or look through these messages and know this is a lifetime sincere offer to be there for you if you should ever need it. I lost 2 brothers neither could i see in death because of the tragic way they passed so that side i know as its difficult for you brain to process as you havent actually seen them. To this day i still think they will come through my door but alas that will never be. Again i am deeply sorry for your families loss and specifically to you who bore Raymond. Please at anytime you need someone know that i will always be here to listen if you should ever need it.
My condolences to you all, take care & God Bless you all.
Jewelz
Oh my God, Carolyn: I am sending my emotional support to you. I canāt believe this has taken place. I have no words other than sending my love to your wounded spirit. You are loved and thought of constantly.
Susanna
Your touchstone. One of your precious living connections with your parents. Your older sons constant companion. Your other childrenās big brother. The future as you had every reason to believe it to be. Your families heart. What an incredible man he has been on this earth for so many. Listening to you tells me everything I need to know about your son and the beautiful blessing his life has been . You honor him by sharing the rawness, and it only makes us love you and your whole beautiful family more.
The connection you have with him is so different now itās normal to search for it frantically. To not understand anything at all. To miss him in a way that makes you search for the profound. Because you canāt understand how or why anyone can even breathe. You are surrounded in love and prayer that you canāt possibly feel yet, and you donāt need to. Because at the end of the day, that is what your beautiful son created for you and what you gave him.
I am so heart sick for you and Jimi and each of your children. You are not alone! I am praying that Jesus will be so present with each of you as you walk through these days ahead. I am praying for comfort and peace to cover each of you. Remember how you and this community felt for Jaybells’ loss? This community has not changed. You will be supported through this time. You don’t need to fear us walking away. Take care of you and your family! We are here and won’t go anywhere.
Iām am so sorry for your loss. I too am a member of the club nobody wants to be in. Everybody grieves differently. When my daughter passed away, I left the hospital and went home and packed up her entire room as I could not at the time handle seeing her empty room. Like you, I had moments of numbness, moments of complete hysteria. I could not bear with burying her either. I had her cremated and she still sits on a shelf in my living room. One day I hope to have mine and her ashes scattered. You do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable doing right now. I was mad at GOd for a very long time. Just recently have I started to talk to him other then in anger. Take care of yourself Mama and if you ever need someone to talk to the truly understands, please donāt hesitate to reach out.
Carolyn,I happen to be a member of that club. I hope you don’t feel this to forward of me but as someone who has experienced the lose of a son I wan’t to share something with you in hopes it gives you some assurance. The numbness “the fog” you experience & will for the first year I believe with all my heart is God. I believe God hears the many prayers for you and to give you peace. I had so many people tell me that they or their church were praying for me. Carolyn I am not a religious person but I swear I felt it. I was not angry devastated yes but the fog allowed me to survive(I had other children) I was able to float through not really feeling like the bubbly person which never returned completely. I believe through others prayers God made it so I didn’t want to tear my face off. I also want to add that YES others do want to be around “that mother” sadly they just dont know what to say. I would see someone coming towards me as soon as they saw me turn around abruptly & walk away quicky which hurt my feelings. Later I learned it was because they didn’t know what to say. I would ask them do you think I knew what to say? There is nothing left to say just be my friend sit with me we dont need to speak there are no words . I know you love me I know you loved him. We are both grieving just sit with me. The woman who always was talking just wanted you to be near not sweep my kitchen not keep busy doing unneeded task but just sit and share this space if you do have something to say by all means share but please dont avoid me because you feel sorry for me. I was well aware I lost my son but I was also aware the world lost him also. My deepest sympathy and admiration for you having the courage to share your thoughts with us. My God bless you and your family and allow you some peace through this unbelievable ..Nightbird
I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make that about me. I was trying to reassure you that “the fog” is a good thing that without it breathing would just sease to happen that the people that love you and care about you sometimes don’t know what to say dont want to ” make you upset again” that comment used to bother me alot. I have other things that I felt important however my son was a baby he was 4 months and 6 days old he passed from S.I.D.S. which just made it a little harder because he was such a healthy boy. You had your son for 29 years so your pain in my option must be intensified so much more. again my deepest sympathy to all that knew your beautiful baby boy. Your son with love nightbird
Iām not sure if you will see this but there is no pain greater then a mother losing her child. I know this because I just lost my son Ethan…..forever 18 on March 11, 2020. Life will never be the same without him and somehow through all this heartache we still have to be there for our other children. Just know your not alone in this. There is a group on Facebook that has helped me share about my son. Itās motherās who lost a son. Check it out sometime. Give your self time to process and grieve. Donāt forget to take care of you. ((Hugs to one grieving mom to another )) š
Look at how many people love and support you! Please reach out anytime! Iām so devastated to hear about your loss but Iām hopeful for you, getting these feelings and thoughts out of you! All of us that have watched you for so long (for me it was during the Watts case)…. we all wish we could take your pain away. God bless you and your family Carolyn. ā¤ļø
Carolyn,
I am holding you and your family in prayer šš»
I am so sorry for your loss.
Much Love,
Beth
We really don’t know the lords plane for us.When I fought cancer it changed me ! These very hard moments in our lifes change us ,we become more in tuned with what is really important in life .We become more compassionate for those who need compassion.We loose patience for other stuff ,all the mundane ,frivolous, everyday stuff. I truely believe we have very soul connections to our families ,we continue to have them close through the dark days ,talking you in to normal things .They eventually will come visit in dreams and they are always beautiful. You will get a little better everyday ,you will learn to function and go on because Ray wants that ! Plus your whole family needs you ! I I catastrophized everything for the longest time but that too gets better love and light to all who loved Ray
Love Karen McIntyre from Cape Breton !
We are going through some crazy times in N.S.ššš
I’m so sorry for your loss š My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Oh Carolyn, Jimi and family, I am so sorry for your loss. As the mother of 2 boys, one the same age as Ray, I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. Sending you much love
As I read your post, oh how my heart breaks for you. Your thoughts and emotions were beautifully written yet perfectly punctualized. Like I had said on your youtube community post, just know you will be with him again. Remember that God has felt this same hurt you are feeling for all us. He let his own son die so that we would all be able to join him one day in perfect harmony. He knows your pain. So scream if you need to, cry and let it out, for he will comfort you. I pray for him to wrap his ever loving arms around you to help comfort you and provide you some sort of peace. Many of us are crying with you. No words I can say will help I feel, but just know that if anything, I feel eventually this will make your faith stronger. I just know it. I am sending you many prayers and virtual hugs. I hope you can feel them. Please take care of yourself. Much love Carolyn.
Dear Carolyn and Family,
My deepest sympathy for the loss of your precious son, and brother. I wish there was something I could say that would make any kind of sense during this time. All I can think is what was said to me when I lost someone close to me many years ago. God picks his flowers……
God bless you and keep you during this difficult time.
Dear Carolyn and family,
I am so so sorry for the loss of your son.Sending you the biggest hug,strength and prayers.Ray looked just like you Carolyn..
RIP Ray…..
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Truly, I am sorry to read about your son. We lost our daughter at 2 weeks old whike we lived in a foreign country. We had no family around us ever. Some things I learned to do is:
Give thanks to God for His will. That sounds weird but I began to thank Him for the “taking home” to Heaven of out daughter. Was it hard? Yes, but I had read Job and David and both had thanked God for the their hardship, yet it was God’s perfect plan.
I began to read the book of Psalms whenever I was feeling down. I still had other kids and a husband to tend to and that helped as well.
My cousin had a son die and she was looking for signs, also. I never looked for signs. It doesnt make me perfect, just that my personality, my being knew she was in Heaven. I never expected her to be near me. She is perfect now. She lives with God. She will never hurt again. She’ll never sin. She will never suffer. She is where God is and that is a better place than here. If she comes to me, that means she isn’t in Heaven. There’s no going back and forth. At least I’ve never read it in the Bible.
His death was God’s will for His life. We all have an appointment of death which we cannot cancel or reschedule. The day your son passed, was his appointed day. You have a day, each one of your family members have a date of death. You don’t know it, I don’t know it, but God does, as He is the giver, and taker, of life.
I have a melancholy personality, and these things helped me during the death of our daughter. It put her death in a type of order for me. Maybe it won’t help you, and I sure don’t want you to feel worse, but these ideas helped me.
And time is a great healer, as well. It was around six months before I remember laughing at something out loud and for real. I had been so sad and wondering why no one else was as sad as I was. It was difficult. But I promise you, you will get through this and every day there will be a little bit more sunshine.
I Peter 5:7
I’m kind of at a loss as to what to say.
I found your YouTube channel when the Watts case first broke. I’m shy. I really don’t have any real friends. Like I said, I’m shy, so never posted (that I can recall). But I always thought “what a great friend she would be.” I became a fan of you, and your many followers I thought of in that way also.
Many of us that follow true crime sit back and say “I can’t imagine losing a child”, and we watch these Moms with incredible strength. Its one of my biggest worries. I have a touchstone son as well. He is a police officer in a dangerous unit. I fear what you are going through on a daily basis. Its gut wrenching.
I’m so terribly sorry. I’m not even sure why I made my 2nd paragraph about MY fear, but I think its because you are, and have always been, so open about your feelings. And I see a great strength in you as you get on here at a time like this, and share whats going on. As Moms, we cannot even fathom how losing this beautiful son is affecting you and your family. But what we CAN see is a strong Mother. One beloved by many, and i can tell you— we are here for you all.
I pray for your sweet son, and comfort and peace for you and your family. ā¤š
Dear Carolyn
I attempted to send you a private message here on your blog page. I’m not very bright when it comes to social media. So I hope that I srnt it to you correctly and that you recieved it. Just in case, I also sent my message to you, via Facebook, private messenger. One way, or another, I pray that my message reaches you. Please know that you and your family are in my continous prayer. God bless you.
Sincerely, Julia
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes, virtual hugs and just loving loving energy. Thinking of you and your family. I am so so so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts and love is with you.
Carolyn, I am so sorry for the death of your son. I told my teenage son to drive extra carefully today. I don’t even know what caused this tradgedy, for real.
I’m praying for you and Jimi and all of your family and friends. This has to be the worst pain a Mother can feel. I wish I could reach out to you and take a portion away. You are a wonderful person. I wish there was more that I can do. š
I am so sorry Carolyn for your loss of Raymond. I have many things I want to tell you to help you survive your agony but right now I have just watched your talk in the bathroom. Bring your son home. Make an area just for him. Do what you need to do for you and your family. There is no wrong or right. I still take my husbands ashes out with me 18 years later and cuddle him when I need to. It’s whatever you need. .. you still have 5 children. For the first few years my kids put Marks photo at the table and set a place for him. ..over time they stopped. I would have said ring a grief counsellor but the community of people who care about you so much will listen and don’t be sorry. right now you can only go minute by minute second by second moment by moment. Keep whatever you want. I kept everything. Remember you can have a proper service later with your son’s urn, when all this Covid is over. Not that it makes it better but you will be able to do your best for your son and he will be totally taken care of by his Mum . You got your slap in the face sign. .try to accept that you did get a sign. As time goes on I will tell you bits of my story just so you know that your body will keep breathing even when you don’t want it to. It is normal to feel angry at God and it’s ok he has broad shoulders. What happens on earth is not his doing but trust me he is carrying you.
When you are ready, read a book call The Shack. The movie just doesn’t do as good as the book and it will help you find your way back to God after being so mad at him. It is so unfair to lose a golden heart when there are so many awful people still breathing. This book helps you understand why that is. The Footprints verse is also helpful. There is also a book by Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross. 5 stages of death and dying (Which is grief ) and the don’t go in any set order but it will help you know where your head is at and where your loved ones are at. Will write again as I can. ..I am not good at it. Love and hugs Debbie Crane. Canberra ACT Australia xxx š
Dear God,
Someone new is coming to you. Someone young, handsome and loved.
He has a mommy and a dad, along with 3 brothers and a sister who miss him very much. Please welcome him, God, and show him around. He didn’t expect to be seeing you so soon. His name is Ray.
Make him comfortable and explain to him how time up there with you is different than time down here with us. Let him know that in several years he will see his parents and even his siblings again. Well actually, God – explain how several years down here will just feel like “5 minutes” or so to Ray, and when his family finally does arrive, they will then also feel like it’s been a mere “5 minutes” since they’ve seen Ray.
Their spirits will easily find each other and they’ll all be together again, but this time, they’ll be together forever. I know Ray is enjoying time with his grandparents and his baby siblings that never made it all the way to earth, and what a joyous reunion it is! The party will be in full force when the rest of the crew arrives in several years (“5 minutes” in your time, God.)
Oh yeah, can you send Ray over to the pet part of your Paradise… I believe there is a little dog waiting to be brought to the party as well. And God, one more thing… could you please let Carolyn know that you had special plans for Ray, but you’re only borrowing him for “5 minutes” and give her and Jimi some peace and extra love during this time for them?
Thank you God.
šššš
oh, Carolyn, my heart is just broken for you and your family. I cannot imagine your pain. I pray that God sends His Angels to stay by your side and that He gives you strength, courage, peace, and hope. The pictures you posted of your handsome boy showed someone who was kind, sweet…a good son. May his memory be eternal.
God bless you and your family. My prayers are with you.
Kristi
Iāve had great loss during my life. I also have experiences in hospice nursing. It is important to me that you KNOW we do receive messages from heaven. This is something I know for sure. I have no doubt ZERO. Iāve experienced this myself and through others. I find these special moments occur most of the time when youāre not looking for it. Each experience is a miracle , a very precious gifts.
My heart hurts for those that donāt believe.
100feet1
Caroline,forgive me for any typos as I have to reach you .I have to let you know how much I admire and respepect you. I know exactly how you feel. My only child a Son Wade 15 years old commited Sucide November 9,1982 . I Wish he had shot me too, because I died that Day .This is so hard to talk about especially on a pubic site. He was so handsome he could have been a model. It was an argument over homewok. , I have to include his new stepfather a “Physician” was so jealious of him that he made life so hard on me and my son. Life after his death was so raw,dark, I missed him so. My mother angrily told me how “I Embrassed the whole family when I tried to get in the Coffin with him”, I was so out of my mind with grief at the Wake I did not even remember. I was so angry ,I took it out on the Priest they sent for ,to try to calm me, I was loss in a very bad way. I from the day he died to now, Life has just never been the same……….. Me and 27,000 others have so much affection for you. You are so Brave .We are all grieving with you about your beloved son Ray.. Remember you have ray’s of sunshine all around you, your sons and daughter,Jimmy . Be glad you had such a glorious mother and father. I so wish I would of had parents like yours, they loved you unconditional. I am still on the fence concerning God but for you and maybe me I will ask for his Grace. Love to uou and your family,
Betty in Louisiana
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Hello, Iāve just been on your Live YouTube asking if you received my email. I am a genuine person, a quiet fan that follows your uploads, I love true crime. I was so saddened about your tragic loss that I wrote publicly, perhaps for the 3rd time in two years. I sent a short tale of my experience about losing my Italian parents, one or two quotes and a poem that I really like, but not a lot of people know it. More than 40 rolled liked it and I received kind comments about my words.
Since then I have been thinking of you and your family. I have a condition and am in so much daily pain ….. craft keeps me going. I saw a lovely stitching for my new grand daughter and thought that I could alter it, a little altered, as a keepsake for your family.
I am not whatever man you think I am, Iām just a woman who lives in the UK. Back to the gift, framing it may mean a breakage and a possible tear in the fabric. I will lace it for you so that it is taut and ready to frame, at your convenience.
I sent an email last week asking for your address as I would send it special delivery. Iād hate for the work to go stray! I forwarded it again today from my personal email (I have a family one, a craft one and a personal one. My first name features in the address and I use āBT internetā. I have two craft pages on FB, amano crafts (I am sure that with your Italian heritage you will know that āa manoā means hand made and āamanoā Is the third personal plural of āthey loveā. The other one is called āVivianaās Dollsā House and Miniaturesā.
As a crafter you will know things take time but I promised myself between the birth sampler that I have finished and the two I need to do, I would work this little one for you and your family.
I was taken aback being accused of being someone, I didnāt catch his(?) name. I am loathe to share my email publicly but the first bit starts with my name āVivianaā and has my middle name too.
Like I say, not sure when it will be ready but, if you could furnish me with your address, or a PO Box, Iād love to send it.
Iāve forwarded it again this morning. Oooops I realise there is space for my email below which is not published. Very silly of me. I look forward to hearing from you.
I hope you and your family are coping in this dark place. It was the 21st anniversary of my Mamminaās death yesterday, magnified because I am the age she is when she died. We lost my father-in-law to the virus on March 11th, he was the 12th person to die in the UK, he died two days after our sonās 32nd birthday, who had two heart attacks, but lived, when he went to a foreign exchange trip aged 19. Another proof is our stories on the UKās CRY page (cardiac risk in the young).
I hope you can see that Iām not whomever you think I am and will send me any postal contact details. I have been thinking of you daily and cannot believe what some people are saying on the web. I simply donāt know how you keep at it. With love Viviana š