Life Forever Changed After The Loss of a Child

As I sit here listening to Chris Cuomo on CNN, I cannot help but feel that whatever he is talking about is not that important. He is still home, with his family in tact, he has not lost a child and his life has not changed forever. I think back to when our son was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and I understood how life can  turn on a dime in minutes. However, even with that diagnosis, there was hope things could go back to normal. They did, for about 9 years, then our lives changed forever, and will never be normal or alright again.

I was not naive, many times I thought about how quickly life can change. I was never sitting with my head in the sand. In fact, I thought a lot about how the way things can change in a heartbeat. My husband is 12- years older than me, and I have thought about and fretted about him dying. I lost both my parents in less than a year, that was a big transition, but the death of our parents is expected.

When our son died on May 6th, one of the first things I said while in a numb state, was that our lives would never be the same. It is less than 2 weeks later and I long to wake up from this nightmare. I bargain with God that if I can just wake up, I will do whatever it takes to earn that huge, miraculous gift.

Sometimes, as I lie in bed, I can almost think it is a dream I am waking from. I actually had a dream that I lost both of my older sons several weeks before this happened. I remember waking then and thinking it was true. As I blinked my eyes, the slow realization that it was only a dream sunk in. I remember the relief, the gratitude that something so devastating did not happen. I called both of them and told them. I felt so much relief in knowing it was only a nightmare.

Now, I still pray that this is the realist nightmare I am in. I pray I will wake up and rejoice that it was only a nightmare. I will call my son and tell him I am coming to see him. Then I will hug him and not let go. I will tell him how real it was and probably cry a bucket of happy tears while I touch him and hold him. He will laugh and tell me I am being silly and that nothing happened.

There is a problem, I am not waking up from this nightmare, it just keeps going on and on. I want so badly to be woken from it. I cannot accept this as my reality. I had a bad morning today, I cried and missed my son so much. I was angry and sad, I just wanted this not to be my life.

No matter how much you try to appreciate everything,  you truly never know what you had until it’s gone. I cannot watch much on TV, because when I hear people complaining about crap, all I think is that they are selfish and whining . I would do just about anything to have this tragedy lifted off my shoulders and have my family intact.

I am angry. I feel infuriated when someone complains about a bad day because they spilled their coffee or locked their keys in the car. I have always hated when people use the FML hashtag, but I hate it even more now. They should never say that about life, especially not because they didn’t get that raise or missed a sale on their favorite shoes etc.

I am in denial, I thought seeing my son at the funeral home would make it real. I went through the services completely numb. I felt so bad because I was so numb. I begged my son who was lying in his casket not to protect me so much. I know he is, because he could never stand to see me upset. I know he is numbing me, but I begged him not to. I told him it made me feel awful.

My daughter says she feels that same, I spoke with her today and she feels like this is not real. We feel he is just on vacation or working long hours, but not that he is gone. When I think about that, I almost get sick. He cannot be gone forever, he just can’t. Why can’t I wake from this nightmare? I just have to.

I am so sad that this is my new reality. I miss him so much. I want to call him. I still message him on Facebook. I tell him I love him, that I am so sad, and that I need him to send me signs.

He has sent me signs. a couple of days after he passed I received 3 calls from his old cell phone number. They came in at 11:33 which is a spiritual number. I was floored. The day we were leaving for his services, a cardinal flew right to a branch in front of our car. then to a higher branch in front of us still. Yesterday a bald eagle flew right over the lake in front of me. The day I met with the funeral director, I looked at my phone when we were done and it showed 3:33 a very spiritual number for me. When I was looking for memorial candles online the page I opened had a candle called Catching Rays as the first one.

I need the signs to keep coming, I need him to come to me in my dreams. I had a very weird dream a few days ago, but although it had someone supposed to be him, it was not really and it was not a visit dream. I need to see him. I sometimes reach out my hand and want to feel him hold it. I long for him to hold me and feel his arms around me. I talk to him. I love him, and  I will never stop.

I hate that my life will never be the same, it is like losing that innocence. It will never be okay again, everything will not be alright. Sayings my husband is famous for, will never be able to be said again. Things will never be alright. There can be good times but there will always be a hole, an emptiness, a longing, a wound that will not heal. This will never be normal, because life has changed forever.

I really hate this. I do feel angry and upset that I was the one who drew the short straw. The one chosen to lose their child. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I felt things were unbalanced, and I did cry out. I did ask why I had to have both a son with cancer, and a son that died. It seemed out of whack, it seemed too much. I am sorry, but that is how it feels.  God knows my thoughts and I believe God understands the thoughts and feelings of this grieving mother. I think others must have felt like this. I hate my life is changed forever. I want to wake up from this nightmare.