I used to be like you. I would hear about a mother who lost her child, and I would feel for them. I would love them. I would be sad for them. I would console them. I would pray for them. Yet, I would be able to look at my family, and thank God it was not us. I can’t do that anymore. Less than 3 weeks ago, my oldest son passed away. My life is forever changed and I will never be like you again.
My life will now always be measured in before and after. Life before we lost our son Ray and after. I will constantly know how many days or weeks since our last conversation, how long it has been since that heart wrenching, life-changing call. I will think of the last birthday cake I made him, the last Christmas stocking I filled for him and the last time I heard him say he loved me.
Be grateful you are you, you don’t want to be me. I did not want to be who I am now. I prayed every single night for my children. I prayed they would make a difference in the world and grow to a ripe old age. I prayed that they would always stay safe and healthy. I know how important that is after our second son, Michael was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I know how thankful we were when the treatment was over. We made it through that battle. I never took that for granted, I prayed. I did not want to bury my child. I wanted to live to a ripe old age and they would bury me. It did not happen like that.
People say that most of the time the things we worry about do not happen. In my case they did. I think as parents we worry something will happen to our children. Most of the time it doesn’t. In my case, the worst possible thing did. My oldest son, my buddy, my touchstone, died. It has not even been 3 weeks.
I sometimes feel I am dreaming, that I will just be able to go away and come back and everything will be normal. I know that is to protect me from the harsh reality. I get angry, I cry, I go numb, I laugh, I can have fun, I can enjoy things, I cry, I get angry, I go numb. This is my life after. There is a hole in my heart. There is a pain in my soul. There is nothing that will make it all better again. The rest of my life will be lived with a huge void.
Every day there are new parents that become like me. We all remember when we used to be like you. We can never be like you again. You console us, you love us, you pray for us and you hope you will never be like us. We used to be like you.
That last paragraph is powerful. I’m sorry you are going through this. I try to think of words that might help, but sadly there are none.
I actually wrote about two lives once. How people with such immense loss suddenly find that life as you knew it has ended forever…and you are now forced into living another life.
Oh how we long for that first life. The life when the world seemed so much less jaded & terrifying. Where you know everyone you love most dearly are safe and sound. Where you can plan holidays, eat, laugh and celebrate without force, without any feelings of sadness, guilt or pain creeping in afterwards.
Carolyn, I honestly have no words, because I know there are none. This loss is so wrong, so out of order, that it just simply does not make sense no matter how hard you try.
May you continue to find strength in knowing you are not alone & comfort in the love and prayers we are all sending out to you.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute…you do whatever you have to do to get through.
Although you will never be the same, somehow, someday, this unbearable pain becomes a little more bearable. I don’t know how. I think maybe our mind & body knows one can only endure so much, so has ways of protecting us, giving us the ability to live this ‘second life’ that we never, ever thought we could.
Admittedly, my faith often wavers…however, I have prayed for you all consistently. You are so loved. So appreciated.
Thank you. Love you so very much…Deanna
Just came across your blog, Carolyn. I’m so sad to hear this. I will be praying for you. I used to follow you a year ago on YT. And, I read your blog a little at that time, also. You are such a blessing to so many people! May you and your family continue to be comforted during this time, by a God who loves you. I realize it may be difficult to believe He loves you. But, He does. And, He knows what you are going through. Unfortunately, sin entered the world with Adam & Eve, and Death was the result! In fact, the whole Earth is cursed because of it. Death, suffering, illness, (COVID), corruption, hatred… all the evil things. I’m so sad to hear about your loss, as a mom to two adult sons, myself. My heart breaks for you because I know the love a mother has for her boys. Take good care, and we are here for you.