For some time now I have struggled with my faith. I believe in God, but at times, I feel insecure. What if there is really nothing more out there? The idea of never seeing my parents and other relatives again is too much to bear. I would pray for signs from my parents and I received many. I prayed for God to increase my faith. Now, in the wake of my son’s death, my faith is stronger. However, I am left wondering if my prayers led to my son’s death.
I know it is not the case. God would not take a young man in the prime of his life just to increase his mother’s faith. Yet, I still feel guilty. Truth be told, I believe as I prayed for that increased faith, I did ask God not to do something devastating to achieve that outcome. Now, facing the rest of my life with the most devastating loss one can suffer, I keep thinking back to those prayers.
I am finding that parents who have lost a child go over and over anything they could have been done to prevent it. I look back on photos when my son was very little, wishing I could go back in time and never let him out of my sight. It is hard to look at photos. It is hard to open sympathy cards. In fact, I have many unopened cards because it is so difficult to open and read them. It is even harder to open the box of thank you cards from the funeral home. It is so hard for me to write thank yous and send them to the many who sent flowers and gifts. I fear people will not understand how hard it is, and instead think I am ungrateful. That is certainly not the case. It is just very difficult.
I fear that I did not even do the right things for my son’s funeral. I think of the photos I was not able to go through. The ones I surely would have sent in to be used in the memorial slide show that played during Ray’s services. I berate myself for only requesting one song, because I did not realize it would require 2 others. They never asked me, and I feel terrible that I fumbled that.
I know I can make many slide shows for my son, and I will, but I still feel bad. Someone said to me that I could make sure Ray’s services were perfect as a consolation, saying many parents don’t get to do that. I never wanted to do that, and it is no consolation. Beyond that, I did not have the ability, due to my state of mind, it was too difficult. Add to that the state of the world, we could not even have our extended family and friends around us thanks to this pandemic.
If I get lost in thought too long, my mind can go to very dark places. It is the reason that I am grateful for our live shows every night with the Mommy Ramblings Community on YouTube. It is there I can laugh and joke with so many who have always supported me. Many understand the loss because they are members of the club no one wants to be a member of. Some critics have said, that I should not be laughing or that if I am okay enough to come on and cover topics, do crafts and have fun, then I am not upset or grieving my son. Those people may one day find themselves in this club. I wonder how those words will make them feel?
I have been gardening because it is something I love and something I shared with my son Ray. I talk to him, ask him to help these plants grow strong and healthy. I see signs like the bald eagle flying so close to me I could not believe it. It was about 14 feet in front of me at eye level. I heard the tremendous sound of its flapping wings as it went by. It is a sound I have never heard and will never forget.
Yesterday, as I went to get the customer service number for Amazon, a list that had my son’s name on it was on the page. I did not even know it was there, and I am confident he made that appear. Searching for a memorial candle on the Yankee Candle website brought me instead to a candle that was named “Catching Rays”. The cardinals have been all over the place and follow me around. We have a squirrel that makes a sound I have never heard before and a large red tail hawk that soars around the yard. A couple of weeks ago, my husband saw the biggest owl sitting in a tree outside the kitchen window. In all the years we lived here, never did we see one.
My faith is stronger. It has to be, I must believe I will see my son again. I have to believe he is with me every day I am alive on this Earth. I have to believe he will be there when my time on Earth is done. I don’t know what life would be like if I did not believe there was more out there. That we will be with our loved ones again. Some say, there is nothing out there. They say it is because people are not strong enough to accept the truth, they say this world is all there is. I struggled with my faith when bad things happened. I prayed for my faith to be strengthened. It was, in the most devastating way. Now, I feel guilt along with my grief. Did God answer my prayer by taking my son?
I don’t believe for one second Ray was taken from you so your faith would strengthen. I believe God took Ray because Ray’s work on earth was finished and God wanted him home.
Don’t let these horrible people get to you. It astounds me that people assume they know how you feel. Unless they’re a member of the club nobody wants to be in, they should keep their thoughts to themselves. The ones who ARE members of that club, would never judge you.
Dear Carolyn,
We all struggle with our faith when we’re devastated beyond our comprehension. You are someone who is excellent at solving mysteries. You research, think and play out scenarios until you find the answer so it’s much harder for you when there is no sense to be made.
All faith requires is the desire to believe. There’s a man in the Bible whose son was sick. He brought his son to Jesus for healing and Jesus told him all things are possible for those who believe. The man said, with tears, “I believe. Help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:23-25) We all need help believing. The secret to believing is to know who it is we’re believing in. Not a doctrine or a teaching, but Someone who loves us and suffers with us. Jesus. I don’t personally believe God took your son. Horrible things happen because we’re in a broken world. God doesn’t create evil but he does allow it. He let His own Son be murdered. But He knew that through that devastating death, life would come to the world.
You are a wonderful, caring person, Carolyn, and God is not punishing you or blaming you or expecting from you. He wants to wrap you in His arms and hold you through this trauma and forever. I’m praying that in the midst of all the pain and confusion that you are able to sense that love and find rest.
Much love to you ❤️
Marie
Dear Carolyn,
I wish I had words to comfort you, but I thankfully am not in your club, so I truly do not know what to say. You do what you need to do to heal. I feel the need to tell you how very much your blogs and videos have helped me understand grief and death. You have allowed us in on very personal and private moments of your life and I am so thankful you have shared this with us. I don’t understand why God takes the young, yet lets the elderly who have outlived family and friends hang on wishing they could go “home” to be with them.
Yes, faith is what we rely on, as well as trust. You are such a woman of character and I have learned so much from being a part of the Rambler Family. It is hard for me to find people with depth, but not boring or stuffy. You bring joy to me and many others. Bless you and your family. Someday we will have our answers, so until then we will wait with trust and faith.
With deepest sympathy and love,
“Lovies 2002 Lora
Mommy, you are loved, you have done NOTHING, NOTHING wrong, please believe me
Carolyn, what loving Father would give you a snake, if you ask for a fish? Matthew 7:10 “Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?” You ask for faith increasement and our Father takes your son away just to put you to test? No.
Beside the fact that we all have to die, i think that all good deeds comes from God and all negative deeds come from the evil world. We have to be sensitive about the warfare that is going on, on the Tasks that are given by our Father, and to read His Word everyday so that we can surround ourselves with His protection, Love, Light, discernment when we are in fact attacked by the enemies, and how to put our Armor of Salvation because as John 3:16 says ” For God so love the world, that HE gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life”
Carolyn, God in the Trinity loves you as HE loves your son and every of His creation. Read His Word, first it will give you the Trust you need so much, and second it will help you to understand our Father. The Bible is the only book in which every page has a true Life, it is full of beauty and Poesie and Purity. Let me give you an example of one of my favorite Words:John Chapter one Kjv Bible:”In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
2 The same was in the beginning with God.
3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.
7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.
8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.
9 That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.
10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.
11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not.
12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.”
With true love and best wishes, your Löni A.