That Call – The One That Changed My Life

It will be 7-weeks in a few hours that I got that life-changing call. The call that separated my life into the before and after. That call that made me a member in a club no one wants to be a member of. The call that forever changed our family, our dynamic, our existence and our faith. The call that gives me chills whenever I think of it. The call that made my body go into a state of numbness that scared me then, and scares me still. The call that no mother should ever get. The call that broke my heart. The call that shattered my world.

In the past week, things hit me that I was totally numb for. I think back to the funeral home. When it was time to close the casket and prepare to go to church, I did not yell, scream or cry for them not to close it. Now, I have terror thinking of that. I am screaming in my mind now, don’t take him away, don’t close the casket. My beautiful boy, my baby, my son, don’t take him away.

Don’t deny me the opportunity to touch his hand, stroke his thick hair, kiss his face. Don’t deny me the chance to gaze on the dimple in his chin, don’t deny me the feeling of putting my hand over his. I should not have to do this. At times it haunts me as I try to remember the small café au lait spot on his leg or what his feet looked like.  I search for photos or my mind to remember. I should not have to do this. My son should be here. It is so unfair, so unjust.

The numbness lifts for minutes at a time, I can not handle more. I am thankful for that blanket of numbness that covers me and shields me from the unbearable pain.  Time goes on, it is a painful reminder of  the last time I heard my son tell me he loved me.  That was 7-weeks ago when he said that to me. I tell him every day how much I love him.

I will never stop loving him, never stop missing him, never stop looking for signs of him. I will never be ungrateful for all the signs he sends. The things he is making the Eagle and the cardinal do are nothing short of miraculous. I will never take them for granted. I pray he sends them to me.