Tag Archives: Child Loss

June 24, 2020 · 3:29 pm

That Call – The One That Changed My Life

It will be 7-weeks in a few hours that I got that life-changing call. The call that separated my life into the before and after. That call that made me a member in a club no one wants to be a member of. The call that forever changed our family, our dynamic, our existence and our faith. The call that gives me chills whenever I think of it. The call that made my body go into a state of numbness that scared me then, and scares me still. The call that no mother should ever get. The call that broke my heart. The call that shattered my world.

Apple, Close-Up, Electronics, Gadget, Iphone

In the past week, things hit me that I was totally numb for. I think back to the funeral home. When it was time to close the casket and prepare to go to church, I did not yell, scream or cry for them not to close it. Now, I have terror thinking of that. I am screaming in my mind now, don’t take him away, don’t close the casket. My beautiful boy, my baby, my son, don’t take him away.

Don’t deny me the opportunity to touch his hand, stroke his thick hair, kiss his face. Don’t deny me the chance to gaze on the dimple in his chin, don’t deny me the feeling of putting my hand over his. I should not have to do this. At times it haunts me as I try to remember the small café au lait spot on his leg or what his feet looked like.  I search for photos or my mind to remember. I should not have to do this. My son should be here. It is so unfair, so unjust.

The numbness lifts for minutes at a time, I can not handle more. I am thankful for that blanket of numbness that covers me and shields me from the unbearable pain.  Time goes on, it is a painful reminder of  the last time I heard my son tell me he loved me.  That was 7-weeks ago when he said that to me. I tell him every day how much I love him.

I will never stop loving him, never stop missing him, never stop looking for signs of him. I will never be ungrateful for all the signs he sends. The things he is making the Eagle and the cardinal do are nothing short of miraculous. I will never take them for granted. I pray he sends them to me.


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June 12, 2020 · 8:52 pm

All The Unfinished Projects and Dreams

As I sit here trying to figure out how many boards we need to buy to replace those that are damaged in our deck, I find my mind wandering. I scan the website and end up looking at pavers which leads me to look at projects. So many projects I want to do. I had talked about them with Ray so many times. I told him about helping me with a walkway, going into our woods and collecting stones, putting a pond in and so much more.

When I walk around, I see so many trees that need to come down, and my mind immediately thinks I will just call Ray. Then, I find myself so upset that he is not here. I see these projects and I know that the chances of me getting them done are slim now. We have lived here many years. Our oldest three children were grown and out of the home before I ever got to most of the projects I planned to do when they were younger.

Now, my little ones are growing up fast. I know all too well how short life is. I know time is running out for all of us. I find myself wondering how others seem to get everything done. I feel like I am destined to pass with thousands of unfinished dreams and projects. In fact, I know because of my son’s death, I will 100% pass away leaving thousands of unfinished dreams.

Tree, Dawn, Morning Sun, Sunrise, Fog, Morning Mist

I think of how Ray would have been quite the weekend warrior. I know he would have done tons of landscaping projects when he became a home owner. I know that every time we would visit, we would see another enhancement, and he would tell us he learned how to do it all on YouTube. Ponds, walls, walkways, gardens and so much more would be constructed. I can see his wife telling me all about his latest project. I can see his kids playing on the play-structure he built for them.

I am mourning not only Ray’s loss but the loss of all those dreams. His dreams, my dreams, I can barely comprehend he will not experience any of that. Every project I want to do, I think of how he would have helped me and how we planed to make videos about it.

Jimi is just not enthusiastic about projects and that is how it has been for many years. Ray used to share my enthusiasm and now he is gone. It is things like this that snap me out of the fog I have been in since that phone call. I remember feeling this after my mother passed when I thought about how much she loved summer and the things she wanted to do in her home. The light fixtures she purchased that she never saw installed. The new stove she had delivered just 6 weeks before she passed unexpectedly.

Broken, Broken Heart, Joy, Break, Divorce, Pain, Symbol

I console myself by telling myself that they are experiencing something so much better now that we cannot understand. It is for those left behind that are faced with the sorrow of unfinished dreams. Before Ray’s death I would fret about all the unfinished projects. I would berate myself that I did not tackle even 1/4 of the projects I thought I would before our oldest 3 would leave home.

I know my time with my 2 little ones is moving fast, I know I had to get a move on with the projects. Now, I am trying to complete things. I am trying to concentrate on what matters. I still cannot help but mourn all those dreams I had for Ray, for us, for his future. I feel cheated in knowing he was cheated. I wonder if he feels cheated or if he has something so much more now. I pray it is the later.

I had a great experience with the bald eagle yesterday. It was incredible and very close. I heard a huge boulder type splash. I thought my neighbor threw something or fell in the water. As I walked to the opening of the lake, I saw the bald eagle swoop down, fly a short distance then turn around and come back my way. It landed in a tree right in front of me. He stayed there for a while, even though at that moment, several other neighbors were walking by. After a while the eagle took off and went to the side of the lake and landed in a pine tree. It was spectacular. I really believe Ray put his energy in that Eagle to give me a sign. Those signs lift me up when I am having a bad day.

Yesterday was a very bad day. The Eagle helped me. I pray Ray gives me more signs. I need them so much. I hope he knows that. I miss him more than I can ever express. I am forever broken because of the love we shared and his absence in my life. I try to stay busy. I plan to tackle projects I have put off. As I think about the projects, I think about Ray. It is a cycle that keeps repeating. It is just like the unending grief we face when we lose a child.


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June 5, 2020 · 2:27 pm

It Does Not Get Easier

It has been 4 weeks and 2 days since that terrible call. It does not get easier. Yes, I can laugh. Yes, I can love. Yes, I can find joy. However, there is still a numbness that protects me from the overwhelming sadness and brokenness of losing my oldest son. It comes in waves and I never know when the waves of raw grief will hit. They may be triggered by a conversation or seeing something he loved. I never know, all I know is my journey through this life without him, has only just begun.

I have been reading many books about the unbearable grief of losing a child. Parents who have gone through this unbearable loss describe so much of what I am feeling. There is a kinship in connecting with those parents. In them, we see that God did not punish us by taking our child. We see they are great people, with great families. This horrid loss does not discriminate. It happens to parents from all walks of life and we never know when or if it will happen to us, until it does.

Desperate, Sad, Depressed, Feet, Hands, Folded

I never wanted to be in this club, but those other members are my greatest comfort. How can someone with an intact family truly console me? Please don’t misconstrue what I am saying. I am not saying, not to console someone who has lost a child because you have not. I am saying, there are things you should never say.

Don’t ever say you know how we feel because you have lost your mother or father or anyone other than your child. There is no word for the parent who has lost a child, because IT IS NOT NATURAL, it is not supposed to happen. I have lost my mother and father and I grieve them still, but the death of our parents is something expected. Our parents are supposed to pass on before us. Our children are not supposed to pass before us. You can never know the way it feels unless you have experienced it.

Heart, Broken, Nature Love, Shape, Leaf, Autumn, Fall

Instead, be a friend, bring a meal, offer a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on. Ask the person what they need. If they want to talk about their child, let them. If they want to talk about everything else, let them. If there are other children in the family, do something nice for them. They are seeing their parents in unbearable pain. The have lost their sibling. Their world is shattered too.

Don’t ever tell someone that has lost a child that they are laughing too soon or not soon enough. Don’t assume because someone is not walking around weeping, that they are okay. Trust me, they are not okay. Be mindful, don’t say you had the worst day of your life because you spilled coffee on your shirt. You don’t know about the worst day of your life, unless you have lost your child. A stained blouse can be replaced, you cannot replace your child.

Understand that a person who has lost a child may grow angry and lash out. They are struggling with the deepest hurt and pain. These emotions may rise up and need to be directed at something. Let them get it out, let them vent. Try not to get angry, but be more understanding of where it stems from.  If they tell you that they screamed in their car alone, don’t say they should not do that or that it could have hurt someone else. I know how hurtful that is, because someone said it to me.

The Road, Beams, Path, Forest, Nature, Silence, Calm

In one of my grief books, parents remembered how they screamed in the car and in the shower. Don’t tell me or any other grieving parent what we should or should not be doing. You have no idea unless it happens to you, and pray it doesn’t. I can tell you, you will probably be screaming in the car and shower if it does. Stop with your judgement. You do not know the broken heart of someone that has lost a child unless you have. There but for the grace of God go you. Be thankful, not judgmental.

Remember, no one knows what the next moment brings better than someone who has lost a child. We were all like you. In one moment, our lives changed forever. We will never be normal, nothing will ever be alright every again. We are changed, and our lives are changed forever. A hole in our heart will NEVER HEAL. Our lives will be measured by before and after our loss. Never take one moment for granted, because in one second you could be the newest member of this club. We were not born members.

The members of this club seem to bond almost instantly. The thing we share in common is so great, we know the pain and that fosters the connection between us. We validate each other’s feelings. We know what is like to be angry at God. We know what it is like to feel like we do not want to go on without our child. We understand we will grieve forever for the dreams that died with our child. We know how hard it is to see our child’s friends reach milestones that our child will not. We know what it feels like when someone says something that hurts us. We know what it feels like to know we will grieve this loss forever. We understand our grief is something will will manage, but it will be with us until the end of our days. We know what it feels like to be changed forever. We know what it is like to be a grieving parent.

Plant, Garden, Broken Hearts, Rose, Flowers, Nature

We also regale each other with stories of dreams, signs and other things that tell us our child is still here, still with us. We need to believe and have faith we will see our child again. We need to hear the stories of others who have had profound, undeniable signs of their child’s presence. It is what we seek the most in my opinion. It brings me comfort more than anything else.

It does not get easier. Some days are harder than others. We never know when the waves of raw grief will hit. Even if we have a good day, it does not mean tomorrow will not be bad. It will never get easier. We know that, you need to know that.

Sunset, Dawn, Nature, Mountains, Landscape, Kaçkars


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May 31, 2020 · 5:46 pm

Did God Take My Son To Increase My Faith?

For some time now I have struggled with my faith. I believe in God, but at times, I feel insecure. What if there is really nothing more out there? The idea of never seeing my parents and other relatives again is too much to bear. I would pray for signs from my parents and I received many. I prayed for God to increase my faith. Now, in the wake of my son’s death, my faith is stronger. However, I am  left wondering if my prayers led to my son’s death.

I know it is not the case. God would not take a young man in the prime of his life just to increase his mother’s faith. Yet, I still feel guilty. Truth be told, I believe as I prayed for that increased faith, I did ask God not to do something devastating to achieve that outcome. Now, facing the rest of my life with the most devastating loss one can suffer, I keep thinking back to those prayers.

Prayer, Bible, Christian, Folded Hands, Religion, God

I am finding that parents who have lost a child go over and over anything they could have been done to prevent it. I look back on photos when my son was very little, wishing I could go back in time and never let him out of my sight. It is hard to look at photos. It is hard to open sympathy cards. In fact, I have many unopened cards because it is so difficult to open and read them. It is even harder to open the box of thank you cards from the funeral home. It is so hard for me to write thank yous and send them to the many who sent flowers and gifts. I fear people will not understand how hard it is, and instead think I am ungrateful. That is certainly not the case. It is just very difficult.

I fear that I did not even do the right things for my son’s  funeral. I think of the photos I was not able to go through. The ones I surely would have sent in to be used in the memorial slide show that played during Ray’s services. I berate myself for only requesting  one song, because I did not realize it would require 2 others. They never asked me, and I feel terrible that I fumbled that.

I know I can make many slide shows for my son, and I will, but I still feel bad. Someone said to me that I could make sure Ray’s services were perfect as a consolation, saying many parents don’t get to do that. I never wanted to do that, and it is no consolation. Beyond that, I did not have the ability, due to my state of mind, it was too difficult. Add to that the state of the world, we could not even have our extended family and friends around us thanks to this pandemic.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine, Harmony, Romantic

If I get lost in thought too long, my mind can go to very dark places. It is the reason that I am grateful for our live shows every night with the Mommy Ramblings Community on YouTube. It is there I can laugh and joke with so many who have always supported me. Many understand the loss because they are members of the club no one wants to be a member of. Some critics have said, that I should not be laughing or that if I am okay enough to come on and cover topics, do crafts and have fun, then I am not upset or grieving my son. Those people may one day find themselves in this club. I wonder how those words will make them feel?

I have been gardening because it is something I love and something I shared with my son Ray. I talk to him, ask him to help these plants grow strong and healthy. I see signs like the bald eagle flying so close to me I could not believe it. It was about 14 feet in front of me at eye level. I heard the tremendous sound of its flapping wings as it went by. It is a sound I have never heard and will never forget.

Yesterday, as I went to get the customer service number for Amazon, a list that had my son’s name on it was on the page. I did not even know it was there, and I am confident he made that appear. Searching for a memorial candle on the Yankee Candle website brought me instead to a candle that was named “Catching Rays”.  The cardinals have been all over the place and follow me around. We have a squirrel that makes a sound I have never heard before and a large red tail hawk that soars around the yard. A couple of weeks ago, my husband saw the biggest owl sitting in a tree outside the kitchen window. In all the years we lived here, never did we see one.

My faith is stronger. It has to be, I must believe I will see my son again. I have to believe he is with me every day I am alive on this Earth. I have to believe he will be there when my time on Earth is done. I don’t know what life would be like if I did not believe there was more out there. That we will be with our loved ones again. Some say, there is nothing out there. They say it is because people are not strong enough to accept the truth, they say this world is all there is. I struggled with my faith when bad things happened. I prayed for my faith to be strengthened. It was, in the most devastating way. Now, I feel guilt along with my grief. Did God answer my prayer by taking my son?

Trust, Faith, Encouragement


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May 25, 2020 · 8:06 pm

I Used To Be Like You

I used to be like you. I would hear about a mother who lost her child, and I would feel for them. I would love them. I would be sad for them. I would console them. I would pray for them. Yet, I would be able to look at my family, and thank God it was not us. I can’t do that anymore. Less than 3 weeks ago, my oldest son passed away. My life is forever changed and I will never be like you again.

Sad, Depressed, Depression, Sadness, Young, Person

My life will now always be measured in before and after. Life before we lost our son Ray and after. I will constantly know how many days or weeks since our last conversation, how long it has been since that heart wrenching, life-changing call. I will think of the last birthday cake I made him, the last Christmas stocking I filled for him and the last time I heard him say he loved me.

Be grateful you are you, you don’t want to be me. I did not want to be who I am now. I prayed every single night for my children. I prayed they would make a difference in the world and grow to a ripe old age. I prayed that they would always stay safe and healthy. I know how important that is after our second son, Michael was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I know how thankful we were when the treatment was over. We made it through that battle. I never took that for granted, I prayed. I did not want to bury my child. I wanted to live to a ripe old age and they would bury me. It did not happen like that.

Sorrow, Forgiveness, Sad, Sadness, People, Christianity

People say that most of the time the things we worry about do not happen. In my case they did. I think as parents we worry something will happen to our children. Most of the time it doesn’t. In my case, the worst possible thing did. My oldest son, my buddy, my touchstone, died. It has not even been 3 weeks.

Raindrops, Raining, Rain, Wet, Water, Weather, Nature

I sometimes feel I am dreaming, that I will just be able to go away and come back and everything will be normal. I know that is to protect me from the harsh reality. I get angry, I cry, I go numb, I laugh, I can have fun, I can enjoy things, I cry, I get angry, I go numb. This is my life after. There is a hole in my heart. There is a pain in my soul. There is nothing that will make it all better again. The rest of my life will be lived with a huge void.

Every day there are new parents that become like me. We all remember when we used to be like you. We can never be like you again. You console us, you love us, you pray for us and you hope you will never be like us. We used to be like you.


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May 18, 2020 · 10:18 pm

Life Forever Changed After The Loss of a Child

Flowers, Apple Blossom, Bloom, Flowering Twig

As I sit here listening to Chris Cuomo on CNN, I cannot help but feel that whatever he is talking about is not that important. He is still home, with his family in tact, he has not lost a child and his life has not changed forever. I think back to when our son was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and I understood how life can  turn on a dime in minutes. However, even with that diagnosis, there was hope things could go back to normal. They did, for about 9 years, then our lives changed forever, and will never be normal or alright again.

I was not naive, many times I thought about how quickly life can change. I was never sitting with my head in the sand. In fact, I thought a lot about how the way things can change in a heartbeat. My husband is 12- years older than me, and I have thought about and fretted about him dying. I lost both my parents in less than a year, that was a big transition, but the death of our parents is expected.

When our son died on May 6th, one of the first things I said while in a numb state, was that our lives would never be the same. It is less than 2 weeks later and I long to wake up from this nightmare. I bargain with God that if I can just wake up, I will do whatever it takes to earn that huge, miraculous gift.

Heavy Rain, Rose, Sorrow, Tear, Outdoor, Sadness

Sometimes, as I lie in bed, I can almost think it is a dream I am waking from. I actually had a dream that I lost both of my older sons several weeks before this happened. I remember waking then and thinking it was true. As I blinked my eyes, the slow realization that it was only a dream sunk in. I remember the relief, the gratitude that something so devastating did not happen. I called both of them and told them. I felt so much relief in knowing it was only a nightmare.

Now, I still pray that this is the realist nightmare I am in. I pray I will wake up and rejoice that it was only a nightmare. I will call my son and tell him I am coming to see him. Then I will hug him and not let go. I will tell him how real it was and probably cry a bucket of happy tears while I touch him and hold him. He will laugh and tell me I am being silly and that nothing happened.

There is a problem, I am not waking up from this nightmare, it just keeps going on and on. I want so badly to be woken from it. I cannot accept this as my reality. I had a bad morning today, I cried and missed my son so much. I was angry and sad, I just wanted this not to be my life.

No matter how much you try to appreciate everything,  you truly never know what you had until it’s gone. I cannot watch much on TV, because when I hear people complaining about crap, all I think is that they are selfish and whining . I would do just about anything to have this tragedy lifted off my shoulders and have my family intact.

I am angry. I feel infuriated when someone complains about a bad day because they spilled their coffee or locked their keys in the car. I have always hated when people use the FML hashtag, but I hate it even more now. They should never say that about life, especially not because they didn’t get that raise or missed a sale on their favorite shoes etc.

I am in denial, I thought seeing my son at the funeral home would make it real. I went through the services completely numb. I felt so bad because I was so numb. I begged my son who was lying in his casket not to protect me so much. I know he is, because he could never stand to see me upset. I know he is numbing me, but I begged him not to. I told him it made me feel awful.

My daughter says she feels that same, I spoke with her today and she feels like this is not real. We feel he is just on vacation or working long hours, but not that he is gone. When I think about that, I almost get sick. He cannot be gone forever, he just can’t. Why can’t I wake from this nightmare? I just have to.

Candle, Light, Dark, Twilight, Candles, Flame

I am so sad that this is my new reality. I miss him so much. I want to call him. I still message him on Facebook. I tell him I love him, that I am so sad, and that I need him to send me signs.

He has sent me signs. a couple of days after he passed I received 3 calls from his old cell phone number. They came in at 11:33 which is a spiritual number. I was floored. The day we were leaving for his services, a cardinal flew right to a branch in front of our car. then to a higher branch in front of us still. Yesterday a bald eagle flew right over the lake in front of me. The day I met with the funeral director, I looked at my phone when we were done and it showed 3:33 a very spiritual number for me. When I was looking for memorial candles online the page I opened had a candle called Catching Rays as the first one.

Cardinal, Redbird, Green Leaves, Tree, Colorful

I need the signs to keep coming, I need him to come to me in my dreams. I had a very weird dream a few days ago, but although it had someone supposed to be him, it was not really and it was not a visit dream. I need to see him. I sometimes reach out my hand and want to feel him hold it. I long for him to hold me and feel his arms around me. I talk to him. I love him, and  I will never stop.

I hate that my life will never be the same, it is like losing that innocence. It will never be okay again, everything will not be alright. Sayings my husband is famous for, will never be able to be said again. Things will never be alright. There can be good times but there will always be a hole, an emptiness, a longing, a wound that will not heal. This will never be normal, because life has changed forever.

I really hate this. I do feel angry and upset that I was the one who drew the short straw. The one chosen to lose their child. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I felt things were unbalanced, and I did cry out. I did ask why I had to have both a son with cancer, and a son that died. It seemed out of whack, it seemed too much. I am sorry, but that is how it feels.  God knows my thoughts and I believe God understands the thoughts and feelings of this grieving mother. I think others must have felt like this. I hate my life is changed forever. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

Rain, Poland, Autumn, Loneliness, Sadness, Gray


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May 7, 2020 · 10:02 pm

A Mother’s Worst Nightmare – I Lost My Son Yesterday

My second child and first son came into the world on March 19th of 1989. It was Palm Sunday. I remember my focal point during my natural, drug free delivery, was an EZ Scrub box by the sink in the room. We joked about naming him EZ Scrub. We named him Raymond Charles instead. I think that was a good decision.

After Ray, I gave birth to 3 more sons. I lost 2 babies along that route. Yesterday, I lost my precious child Ray. I don’t even know how to process this.

When I got the call that I had to go and that something happened to him, I knew he was dead. Immediately, I felt a panic but then this wave of numbness came over me. I cannot explain it but to say it just took all emotion from me in every way.

I was not crying, angry, panicked, sad or anything else. I was totally calm and quiet even saying I could go alone thanks to this pandemic and we would not have to take the younger boys. That feeling stayed with me, in fact I apologized to the medical personnel for how I felt and asked them why. They explained I was in shock and denial.

After several hours I went back home with my son Michael. I hugged him during the ride. I told him, he could not leave me. He promised me he would not. I expressed my disbelief. I did not get to see my son last night. The trauma he experienced would be too much for me to bear they told me. They said I did not want to remember him like that. However due to this Covid-19  thing, we had been distancing, and so in a way, I felt it was not real.

I did not eat dinner and did not want anything, I took a shower and went to lie down in bed. My young sons were with us and grieving in their own way. My youngest Luke slept with my husband and I. His small body nestled between us until he fell asleep, and then my husband took that space and held me. I did not sleep at all.

I laid there in a state of disbelief. I wished over and over that I would wake up. About 2 weeks prior, I had a dream that both of my older sons died. It was so real, when I woke up, I was so relieved. It was a dream. I called them and told them, I needed to hear their voices. Now, I need this so badly to be a dream.

This is not the way it is supposed to go. He was a child that was like me in so many ways. Our laugh, the way we would get so hysterical we could hardly breath,  he had the cutest laugh that you could not help but love. Now, I am trying so hard to remember it, thinking if I have it on any video, worrying I am forgetting it. Just today our youngest reminded me of something I had forgotten. How could I forget these things when memories of my son are all I have left?

I used to spend so much time thinking of what song we would dance to at his wedding. Now, that will never happen. I will never see him as a husband or a father. All those dreams died with him. I want this to be a dream. I want everything to be alright, I want to wake up. Why did this have to happen?

The feeling in my stomach is so empty and sick. I feel that life has changed in such a way, I will not be able to go on. I make my living being out there. I make my living on social media and talking about life, true crime, crafts, recipes and my family. Now, I don’t even know how I would ever do that again. If I don’t, how will our family survive?

How can I let their world unravel even more because I cannot do what I need to do to provide what I do for our family? At the same time. I feel bad that I even am thinking about this, but it is the harsh reality that the world does not stop when your child dies. Every day life goes on, and people have needs that need to be met.

Ray going to prom when I put his baby brother (2-weeks-old) in his arms.

I bought a book 13 years ago. It was called Roses in December. It is about a mother who lost 3 sons. I don’t know exactly why I bought it, but at the time, I had just given birth to my son Ethan. I was so scared as this book came into my field of vision in the book aisle. At the time, going through postpartum depression, I was afraid it was a premonition. One of the sons this author lost was named Ethan and it freaked me out. I told my husband about it when I arrived home and he assured me that was not the case.

Last night when I found out my son was gone, I wanted to go outside. The moon was full, I called his name, I begged for a sign. I needed to know he was here. I did not see one. The only thing I can say was remotely a sign, is that when I was speaking to family last night and dealing with medical personnel, a song was playing in the background. The lyrics, Heaven must be missing an angel, an angel child because they are here with me tonight. I felt those lyrics were telling me Ray was with me.

All day today I have been begging for a sign. I tried to sit outside and brave the pesky May bugs. I asked for a sign, the breeze picked up and the cardinal was singing his song so incredibly loud. I had to sit in my car in the driveway because the bugs were too much, I stared into the woods, in the direction of the cardinal and asked my son for a sign. I told him to give me a smack me in the face kind of sign. I had to know he was okay, I had to know he was here.

As I sat in the car, I thought of that book and went inside to find it. Even with prayers to St. Anthony, I could not, so I bought it for my Kindle on Amazon. As I sat there and read it, I could not believe that this book was all about what I was going through. I could not believe it. As I read her words, I sobbed loudly, she validated so much of what I was feeling.

Last night, as I layed in bed, I was freezing, It was caused by emotion and not temperature, no amount of blankets would remedy it. I was shivering and felt this kind of tingling in my body. At one point, I pleaded with my son to move that tingling to the back of my shoulders if he was here with me, It did go in that direction.

In a way, I did not want to fall asleep because I felt I would wake up and think everything was okay only to relieve it again. I felt such a numbness, but then in small waves the harsh reality would go in and a memory or other trigger would sweep over and I would say and know my son was dead. I would feel panicky and like I wanted to rip my own skin off to escape it. Then when I felt I could not deal with it, another wave of the totally numbness came over me.

I would go in the bathroom and keep repeating, “Ray is dead, Ray is dead, how can this be?” I called my friend in London who experienced the tremendous loss of her family this week last year. I spoke with her, at that point I was in a numb phase. The numb phase made me feel horrible too in a way. There were many other horrible thoughts that my mind went to. We torture ourselves.

I am feeling now I am going to lose everyone, even my own life. Everything I feel, I fear it is something catastrophic and because of the pandemic will be found too late. I fear that all my children and my husband will be taken and then I will die alone. I have these awful thoughts.

Back to the book, I just kept reading and sobbing. I called my older son, I fear so much losing him, I make him promise me he will be safe, drive safe, not do anything stupid due to the hurt he is feeling. Those two boys were so close, so close. He is going through unbelievable pain. I want to gather us all and go in a bubble. My daughter is coming in from NYC but because of the pandemic, we cannot even grieve this loss the way we want.

I cannot put my son in the ground, I cannot leave him there. We never talked about this because a mother is not supposed to bury her child. However in speaking with my husband and older children they feel it is the right thing and my son wants a special necklace to always have his brother with him. I want one too. I want him with me. I just cannot leave him.

I have moments of intense anger, I curse at God, I tell people that there is no God. I know that is not what I really believe, but at the time I feel it. I clench my fists, I cry out. How could his life be over like this, how? The cruelest thing is that my father died May 7th of 2006, my mother died May 8th of 2005 and now my son died on May 6th of 2020. My mother died on Mother’s Day and these dates are always around that time and add such hurt to the sorrow. I don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day this year.

I am thankful for the unbelievable amount of support I have received from our community on YouTube, the Ramblers are a blessing during this time. Yet, I am afraid it will be too much for them in the long run. No one wants to be around that mother who lost her child. No one wants to be around her because she is a reminder of their worst fear realized. So, in a way it is so bittersweet.

I do read the messages and sob. It is the same way I read that book and sob, and why I just purchased another book The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies? Will I just buy these books and resonate and cry with them? I don’t know, I just don’t know. The biggest problem before I found out my son died was trying to firm up a deal on a much needed car. Now, that is on the back burner, and we jumped our van in order to make it down to town to meet with everyone yesterday.

I just want to get in my van and go for a drive and yet I cannot, I want to run away but I can’t. I do not want to be a member of this new club. I used to hear these things the way many of you are now, I used to thank God for the blessing of having all my children alive and well. I used to say a prayer for those lost. I thought that I would not be a member of that club even though I did worry about it. This has shattered everything for me, it not only made me a member in that club but it made me think of all the other terrible things that I may not be so lucky to escape. I am so afraid of losing everything even myself.

(I apologize for any errors, I wrote this as my thought process flowed, I cannot go over it because it hurts too much to proofread it. I just had to get this down.)

 


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