For some time now I have struggled with my faith. I believe in God, but at times, I feel insecure. What if there is really nothing more out there? The idea of never seeing my parents and other relatives again is too much to bear. I would pray for signs from my parents and I received many. I prayed for God to increase my faith. Now, in the wake of my son’s death, my faith is stronger. However, I am left wondering if my prayers led to my son’s death.
I know it is not the case. God would not take a young man in the prime of his life just to increase his mother’s faith. Yet, I still feel guilty. Truth be told, I believe as I prayed for that increased faith, I did ask God not to do something devastating to achieve that outcome. Now, facing the rest of my life with the most devastating loss one can suffer, I keep thinking back to those prayers.
I am finding that parents who have lost a child go over and over anything they could have been done to prevent it. I look back on photos when my son was very little, wishing I could go back in time and never let him out of my sight. It is hard to look at photos. It is hard to open sympathy cards. In fact, I have many unopened cards because it is so difficult to open and read them. It is even harder to open the box of thank you cards from the funeral home. It is so hard for me to write thank yous and send them to the many who sent flowers and gifts. I fear people will not understand how hard it is, and instead think I am ungrateful. That is certainly not the case. It is just very difficult.
I fear that I did not even do the right things for my son’s funeral. I think of the photos I was not able to go through. The ones I surely would have sent in to be used in the memorial slide show that played during Ray’s services. I berate myself for only requesting one song, because I did not realize it would require 2 others. They never asked me, and I feel terrible that I fumbled that.
I know I can make many slide shows for my son, and I will, but I still feel bad. Someone said to me that I could make sure Ray’s services were perfect as a consolation, saying many parents don’t get to do that. I never wanted to do that, and it is no consolation. Beyond that, I did not have the ability, due to my state of mind, it was too difficult. Add to that the state of the world, we could not even have our extended family and friends around us thanks to this pandemic.
If I get lost in thought too long, my mind can go to very dark places. It is the reason that I am grateful for our live shows every night with the Mommy Ramblings Community on YouTube. It is there I can laugh and joke with so many who have always supported me. Many understand the loss because they are members of the club no one wants to be a member of. Some critics have said, that I should not be laughing or that if I am okay enough to come on and cover topics, do crafts and have fun, then I am not upset or grieving my son. Those people may one day find themselves in this club. I wonder how those words will make them feel?
I have been gardening because it is something I love and something I shared with my son Ray. I talk to him, ask him to help these plants grow strong and healthy. I see signs like the bald eagle flying so close to me I could not believe it. It was about 14 feet in front of me at eye level. I heard the tremendous sound of its flapping wings as it went by. It is a sound I have never heard and will never forget.
Yesterday, as I went to get the customer service number for Amazon, a list that had my son’s name on it was on the page. I did not even know it was there, and I am confident he made that appear. Searching for a memorial candle on the Yankee Candle website brought me instead to a candle that was named “Catching Rays”. The cardinals have been all over the place and follow me around. We have a squirrel that makes a sound I have never heard before and a large red tail hawk that soars around the yard. A couple of weeks ago, my husband saw the biggest owl sitting in a tree outside the kitchen window. In all the years we lived here, never did we see one.
My faith is stronger. It has to be, I must believe I will see my son again. I have to believe he is with me every day I am alive on this Earth. I have to believe he will be there when my time on Earth is done. I don’t know what life would be like if I did not believe there was more out there. That we will be with our loved ones again. Some say, there is nothing out there. They say it is because people are not strong enough to accept the truth, they say this world is all there is. I struggled with my faith when bad things happened. I prayed for my faith to be strengthened. It was, in the most devastating way. Now, I feel guilt along with my grief. Did God answer my prayer by taking my son?
