As I sit here trying to figure out how many boards we need to buy to replace those that are damaged in our deck, I find my mind wandering. I scan the website and end up looking at pavers which leads me to look at projects. So many projects I want to do. I had talked about them with Ray so many times. I told him about helping me with a walkway, going into our woods and collecting stones, putting a pond in and so much more.
When I walk around, I see so many trees that need to come down, and my mind immediately thinks I will just call Ray. Then, I find myself so upset that he is not here. I see these projects and I know that the chances of me getting them done are slim now. We have lived here many years. Our oldest three children were grown and out of the home before I ever got to most of the projects I planned to do when they were younger.
Now, my little ones are growing up fast. I know all too well how short life is. I know time is running out for all of us. I find myself wondering how others seem to get everything done. I feel like I am destined to pass with thousands of unfinished dreams and projects. In fact, I know because of my son’s death, I will 100% pass away leaving thousands of unfinished dreams.
I think of how Ray would have been quite the weekend warrior. I know he would have done tons of landscaping projects when he became a home owner. I know that every time we would visit, we would see another enhancement, and he would tell us he learned how to do it all on YouTube. Ponds, walls, walkways, gardens and so much more would be constructed. I can see his wife telling me all about his latest project. I can see his kids playing on the play-structure he built for them.
I am mourning not only Ray’s loss but the loss of all those dreams. His dreams, my dreams, I can barely comprehend he will not experience any of that. Every project I want to do, I think of how he would have helped me and how we planed to make videos about it.
Jimi is just not enthusiastic about projects and that is how it has been for many years. Ray used to share my enthusiasm and now he is gone. It is things like this that snap me out of the fog I have been in since that phone call. I remember feeling this after my mother passed when I thought about how much she loved summer and the things she wanted to do in her home. The light fixtures she purchased that she never saw installed. The new stove she had delivered just 6 weeks before she passed unexpectedly.
I console myself by telling myself that they are experiencing something so much better now that we cannot understand. It is for those left behind that are faced with the sorrow of unfinished dreams. Before Ray’s death I would fret about all the unfinished projects. I would berate myself that I did not tackle even 1/4 of the projects I thought I would before our oldest 3 would leave home.
I know my time with my 2 little ones is moving fast, I know I had to get a move on with the projects. Now, I am trying to complete things. I am trying to concentrate on what matters. I still cannot help but mourn all those dreams I had for Ray, for us, for his future. I feel cheated in knowing he was cheated. I wonder if he feels cheated or if he has something so much more now. I pray it is the later.
I had a great experience with the bald eagle yesterday. It was incredible and very close. I heard a huge boulder type splash. I thought my neighbor threw something or fell in the water. As I walked to the opening of the lake, I saw the bald eagle swoop down, fly a short distance then turn around and come back my way. It landed in a tree right in front of me. He stayed there for a while, even though at that moment, several other neighbors were walking by. After a while the eagle took off and went to the side of the lake and landed in a pine tree. It was spectacular. I really believe Ray put his energy in that Eagle to give me a sign. Those signs lift me up when I am having a bad day.
Yesterday was a very bad day. The Eagle helped me. I pray Ray gives me more signs. I need them so much. I hope he knows that. I miss him more than I can ever express. I am forever broken because of the love we shared and his absence in my life. I try to stay busy. I plan to tackle projects I have put off. As I think about the projects, I think about Ray. It is a cycle that keeps repeating. It is just like the unending grief we face when we lose a child.
