My second child and first son came into the world on March 19th of 1989. It was Palm Sunday. I remember my focal point during my natural, drug free delivery, was an EZ Scrub box by the sink in the room. We joked about naming him EZ Scrub. We named him Raymond Charles instead. I think that was a good decision.
After Ray, I gave birth to 3 more sons. I lost 2 babies along that route. Yesterday, I lost my precious child Ray. I don’t even know how to process this.
When I got the call that I had to go and that something happened to him, I knew he was dead. Immediately, I felt a panic but then this wave of numbness came over me. I cannot explain it but to say it just took all emotion from me in every way.
I was not crying, angry, panicked, sad or anything else. I was totally calm and quiet even saying I could go alone thanks to this pandemic and we would not have to take the younger boys. That feeling stayed with me, in fact I apologized to the medical personnel for how I felt and asked them why. They explained I was in shock and denial.
After several hours I went back home with my son Michael. I hugged him during the ride. I told him, he could not leave me. He promised me he would not. I expressed my disbelief. I did not get to see my son last night. The trauma he experienced would be too much for me to bear they told me. They said I did not want to remember him like that. However due to this Covid-19 thing, we had been distancing, and so in a way, I felt it was not real.
I did not eat dinner and did not want anything, I took a shower and went to lie down in bed. My young sons were with us and grieving in their own way. My youngest Luke slept with my husband and I. His small body nestled between us until he fell asleep, and then my husband took that space and held me. I did not sleep at all.
I laid there in a state of disbelief. I wished over and over that I would wake up. About 2 weeks prior, I had a dream that both of my older sons died. It was so real, when I woke up, I was so relieved. It was a dream. I called them and told them, I needed to hear their voices. Now, I need this so badly to be a dream.
This is not the way it is supposed to go. He was a child that was like me in so many ways. Our laugh, the way we would get so hysterical we could hardly breath, he had the cutest laugh that you could not help but love. Now, I am trying so hard to remember it, thinking if I have it on any video, worrying I am forgetting it. Just today our youngest reminded me of something I had forgotten. How could I forget these things when memories of my son are all I have left?
I used to spend so much time thinking of what song we would dance to at his wedding. Now, that will never happen. I will never see him as a husband or a father. All those dreams died with him. I want this to be a dream. I want everything to be alright, I want to wake up. Why did this have to happen?
The feeling in my stomach is so empty and sick. I feel that life has changed in such a way, I will not be able to go on. I make my living being out there. I make my living on social media and talking about life, true crime, crafts, recipes and my family. Now, I don’t even know how I would ever do that again. If I don’t, how will our family survive?
How can I let their world unravel even more because I cannot do what I need to do to provide what I do for our family? At the same time. I feel bad that I even am thinking about this, but it is the harsh reality that the world does not stop when your child dies. Every day life goes on, and people have needs that need to be met.
Ray going to prom when I put his baby brother (2-weeks-old) in his arms.
I bought a book 13 years ago. It was called Roses in December. It is about a mother who lost 3 sons. I don’t know exactly why I bought it, but at the time, I had just given birth to my son Ethan. I was so scared as this book came into my field of vision in the book aisle. At the time, going through postpartum depression, I was afraid it was a premonition. One of the sons this author lost was named Ethan and it freaked me out. I told my husband about it when I arrived home and he assured me that was not the case.
Last night when I found out my son was gone, I wanted to go outside. The moon was full, I called his name, I begged for a sign. I needed to know he was here. I did not see one. The only thing I can say was remotely a sign, is that when I was speaking to family last night and dealing with medical personnel, a song was playing in the background. The lyrics, Heaven must be missing an angel, an angel child because they are here with me tonight. I felt those lyrics were telling me Ray was with me.
All day today I have been begging for a sign. I tried to sit outside and brave the pesky May bugs. I asked for a sign, the breeze picked up and the cardinal was singing his song so incredibly loud. I had to sit in my car in the driveway because the bugs were too much, I stared into the woods, in the direction of the cardinal and asked my son for a sign. I told him to give me a smack me in the face kind of sign. I had to know he was okay, I had to know he was here.
As I sat in the car, I thought of that book and went inside to find it. Even with prayers to St. Anthony, I could not, so I bought it for my Kindle on Amazon. As I sat there and read it, I could not believe that this book was all about what I was going through. I could not believe it. As I read her words, I sobbed loudly, she validated so much of what I was feeling.
Last night, as I layed in bed, I was freezing, It was caused by emotion and not temperature, no amount of blankets would remedy it. I was shivering and felt this kind of tingling in my body. At one point, I pleaded with my son to move that tingling to the back of my shoulders if he was here with me, It did go in that direction.
In a way, I did not want to fall asleep because I felt I would wake up and think everything was okay only to relieve it again. I felt such a numbness, but then in small waves the harsh reality would go in and a memory or other trigger would sweep over and I would say and know my son was dead. I would feel panicky and like I wanted to rip my own skin off to escape it. Then when I felt I could not deal with it, another wave of the totally numbness came over me.
I would go in the bathroom and keep repeating, “Ray is dead, Ray is dead, how can this be?” I called my friend in London who experienced the tremendous loss of her family this week last year. I spoke with her, at that point I was in a numb phase. The numb phase made me feel horrible too in a way. There were many other horrible thoughts that my mind went to. We torture ourselves.
I am feeling now I am going to lose everyone, even my own life. Everything I feel, I fear it is something catastrophic and because of the pandemic will be found too late. I fear that all my children and my husband will be taken and then I will die alone. I have these awful thoughts.
Back to the book, I just kept reading and sobbing. I called my older son, I fear so much losing him, I make him promise me he will be safe, drive safe, not do anything stupid due to the hurt he is feeling. Those two boys were so close, so close. He is going through unbelievable pain. I want to gather us all and go in a bubble. My daughter is coming in from NYC but because of the pandemic, we cannot even grieve this loss the way we want.
I cannot put my son in the ground, I cannot leave him there. We never talked about this because a mother is not supposed to bury her child. However in speaking with my husband and older children they feel it is the right thing and my son wants a special necklace to always have his brother with him. I want one too. I want him with me. I just cannot leave him.
I have moments of intense anger, I curse at God, I tell people that there is no God. I know that is not what I really believe, but at the time I feel it. I clench my fists, I cry out. How could his life be over like this, how? The cruelest thing is that my father died May 7th of 2006, my mother died May 8th of 2005 and now my son died on May 6th of 2020. My mother died on Mother’s Day and these dates are always around that time and add such hurt to the sorrow. I don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day this year.
I am thankful for the unbelievable amount of support I have received from our community on YouTube, the Ramblers are a blessing during this time. Yet, I am afraid it will be too much for them in the long run. No one wants to be around that mother who lost her child. No one wants to be around her because she is a reminder of their worst fear realized. So, in a way it is so bittersweet.
I do read the messages and sob. It is the same way I read that book and sob, and why I just purchased another book The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies? Will I just buy these books and resonate and cry with them? I don’t know, I just don’t know. The biggest problem before I found out my son died was trying to firm up a deal on a much needed car. Now, that is on the back burner, and we jumped our van in order to make it down to town to meet with everyone yesterday.
I just want to get in my van and go for a drive and yet I cannot, I want to run away but I can’t. I do not want to be a member of this new club. I used to hear these things the way many of you are now, I used to thank God for the blessing of having all my children alive and well. I used to say a prayer for those lost. I thought that I would not be a member of that club even though I did worry about it. This has shattered everything for me, it not only made me a member in that club but it made me think of all the other terrible things that I may not be so lucky to escape. I am so afraid of losing everything even myself.
(I apologize for any errors, I wrote this as my thought process flowed, I cannot go over it because it hurts too much to proofread it. I just had to get this down.)
