I used to be like you. I would hear about a mother who lost her child, and I would feel for them. I would love them. I would be sad for them. I would console them. I would pray for them. Yet, I would be able to look at my family, and thank God it was not us. I can’t do that anymore. Less than 3 weeks ago, my oldest son passed away. My life is forever changed and I will never be like you again.
My life will now always be measured in before and after. Life before we lost our son Ray and after. I will constantly know how many days or weeks since our last conversation, how long it has been since that heart wrenching, life-changing call. I will think of the last birthday cake I made him, the last Christmas stocking I filled for him and the last time I heard him say he loved me.
Be grateful you are you, you don’t want to be me. I did not want to be who I am now. I prayed every single night for my children. I prayed they would make a difference in the world and grow to a ripe old age. I prayed that they would always stay safe and healthy. I know how important that is after our second son, Michael was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I know how thankful we were when the treatment was over. We made it through that battle. I never took that for granted, I prayed. I did not want to bury my child. I wanted to live to a ripe old age and they would bury me. It did not happen like that.
People say that most of the time the things we worry about do not happen. In my case they did. I think as parents we worry something will happen to our children. Most of the time it doesn’t. In my case, the worst possible thing did. My oldest son, my buddy, my touchstone, died. It has not even been 3 weeks.
I sometimes feel I am dreaming, that I will just be able to go away and come back and everything will be normal. I know that is to protect me from the harsh reality. I get angry, I cry, I go numb, I laugh, I can have fun, I can enjoy things, I cry, I get angry, I go numb. This is my life after. There is a hole in my heart. There is a pain in my soul. There is nothing that will make it all better again. The rest of my life will be lived with a huge void.
Every day there are new parents that become like me. We all remember when we used to be like you. We can never be like you again. You console us, you love us, you pray for us and you hope you will never be like us. We used to be like you.
